Who in hell fancies Leonardo DiCaprio?

Being both a bit of a film buff and a voracious gossip hound, coverage of the Cannes film festival has brought Leonardo DiCaprio to my attention once more. Playing the lead in Baz Luhrmann's The Great Gatsby (good book, but I tend to find Luhrmann's films migraine-inducing, so I can't say I'm really excited to see it) and having done the bare minimum by way of photocalls to promote the movie, while the rest of the film's cast is moving on to the rest of Europe to attend its various premieres, Leo has stayed behind in Cannes due to 'scheduling conflicts'.

Judging by the pap photos showing him at parties, surrounded as usual by ten tons of supermodel ass (which makes for a lot of models. They don't tend to weigh much individually, after all) 'scheduling conflicts' actually means "I want to stay in Cannes and score some supermodel strange". Which I'm sure he will, as he seems to be rather successful with the ladies. Although why that is will remain an eternal mystery to me.

I suppose, in the interests of fairness, that there are a couple of reasons for his scoring success that I can think of. He is, after all, a fantastic actor and has chosen to star in some amazing films, and for the likes of such awesome dudes as Martin Scorsese and Christopher Nolan, who don't often pick wrong 'uns. He's also very, very rich, and I hear that can help when it comes to exciting a certain type of young lady.

But all the money in the world couldn't help my complete lack of lady-boner when looking at Leo.

First there's his face. Look at it:

It's quite a big face, isn't it? And yet all of his features are huddled together around his nose, leaving a vast, empty expanse of doughy cheek to inhabit the rest of his skull. While helping to keep his face eternally babyfied (and if that's not a word, it should be) it also puts me in mind of such sexual icons as the Churchill nodding dog:

You're probably already yelling at me about how pretty he was during his romantic lead heights, in Romeo + Juliet and Titanic. Let's take a quick look, shall we?

Pretty? Yes. Sexy? No. Why? Because he looks like he's 12, and 12 year olds have never turned me on (even when I was 12). The hair really isn't helping here, as the only people I've ever known with 'curtains' were all 11-15 year olds.

Let's move down, and onto the body. First - the clothes. While his wardrobe choices for premieres and events are pretty standard (you really can't go wrong with a suit), have you ever seen what he wears off-duty? Take a look:

Yes, that is a shell-suit top and Uggs. And yes - he is wearing socks with his shorts. 

Due to the above, you'd think I'd be grateful when he took his top off, just so I don't have to see as much of the clothes. You'd be wrong. Here he is showing off his sweet bikini body:

Below the torso things don't get much better. We've already noticed his feet (see above), but take another look at him walking:

Do you see it? Just in case you don't, here he is in action:

He walks, and runs, with HIS FEET TURNED OUT! Never has there been a quicker killer of the lady-boner than a man walking with his feet turned out, like a precious little ballerina.

"You're so superficial!" I hear you all cry.
"Just like Leo" I respond.

Aside from a quick fling with Blake Lively (who went on to marry Boss-Eyed Foundation Face Ryan Reynolds, so clearly has appalling taste in men) Leo has almost exclusively dated supermodels. I'm sure this has nothing to do with how they look and everything to do with their personalities. He's probably picked most of them up while in the company of his 'Pussy Posse'. That delightful moniker was given to Leo and his friends, probably by Leo and his friends, and the group comprises such ladykillers as Lukas Haas, Tobey Maguire and David Blaine. Snort. 

Can anyone smell douche? I'll bet his pick-up lines are worse than Amsterdam Vallon's: 

He looks like he can't dance. I have no proof of this but I'm damning him with it anyway. I'd also bet my house that he's selfish in bed, and kind of fumbly.

And you can show me as many pictures of him with cute little Knut as you like, and raise the fact that he's done some brilliant awareness raising of big issues and is vocal on the subject of climate change. Because I don't like him, I'll point out that he travels on a private jet.

So there you have it. Leonardo DiCaprio - I wouldn't touch him with yours.