Danse Macabre, by Stephen King

2 stars

There’s something terribly wrong with me – it has just taken me three weeks to finish a Stephen King book. A Stephen King book in which he riffs on one of my favourite genres, no less, giving us his take on the books, films, television and radio shows that populate the world of horror – or the world of horror until the early eighties, at least (when Danse Macabre was written). 

Taking a look at common horror tropes and why we find them so deliciously scary, I would have thought that Stephen King would be the perfect person to walk me through this topic. In this I was sadly disappointed.

Part of my problem was entirely my own – December is always a distracted and stressful month for me as I frantically try to reach a thousand deadlines while simultaneously struggling to fit in bouts of panic-buying with the few social obligations I have remaining now that I’m mostly a curmudgeonly hermit, leaving me a scanty few minutes in which to squeeze a bit of reading. King’s chatty, informal style didn’t help me here as the riffs and tangents he’s always been prone to embarking upon led to a rather loose and woolly whole that I struggled to get a firm grip on.

The early eighties cut-off also worked against the book for me, particularly when it came to film. Whilst name-checking a few truly great horror films, King’s taste in horror movie tends to skew heavily towards the schlocky, obviously a bloke-in-a-monster-suit, B (and C and D) movie which he grew up with but that I’ve always struggled to take seriously (I realise this is a bit rich coming from a woman whose own taste skews heavily towards that starring Bruce Campbell, but hey ho) and I couldn’t help but spend most of that time wondering what he’d make of the movies made since – and particularly the influencing of Hollywood by the truly spine-tingling terror of Japanese horror films (like the utterly brilliant and terrifying Audition, which I once made my Boxing Day guests sit through, much to their cushion-grabbing dismay), although I did also clock his disapproval of Kubrick’s version of The Shining (which may not be as true to the book as King’s own highly unnecessary TV adaptation, but is easily several thousand times better) and so it’s highly possible that he wouldn’t think much of it at all.

At its best when considering why we read/watch horror (for me, it’s the only genre that really gives my imagination a proper work out in a reality that’s rather mundane and routine where I often have to act counter to my instincts, and it gives my brain the same jolt of life that my body gets while hurtling towards the ground on a roller-coaster) but I think that the very thing King professes inside to wanting to avoid - the pinning down and dissecting of what makes it work – was probably the very thing I was after with Danse Macabre, and missed getting.

Legends of the Chelsea Hotel, by Ed Hamilton

1 star

As a huge music fan as well as being interested in various counter-culture figures, the Chelsea Hotel has always loomed large in my imagination and so a book with this title was always bound to appeal to me. Reading the blurb sent my excitement sky-rocketing even further, promising to immerse me in tales of Patti Smith, Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, Edie Sedgwick, Andy Warhol, Thomas Wolfe and a million others besides.

You can imagination my disappointment then when it turned out that this chose to focus on its lesser known but still rather dotty permanent residents instead of the hotel's long and chequered history and famous guests (as for the famous folk, well some guy who might have been Ryan Adams (but maybe not) might have been our author's neighbour for a short time, and Sean Penn once glared at him outside an elevator).

Ordinarily this wouldn't have been enough to disappoint me - interesting people are still interesting people, after all - but the pedestrian way in which the book was written made even the wildest of them seem rather bland, helped no doubt by the author inserting himself into many of these anecdotes (he seems to feel rather superior to many of the residents, making sure to judge, condescend and sneer at them whenever he can). Aside from his bathroom obsession (won't somebody please keep the junkies out of the john?!) and insistence on ferreting through the trash for objects he can put up as 'art', Mr Hamilton is nowhere near as interesting as he thinks he is - nor are the articles included to give a little flavour to the proceedings:

THRILL!! As some guy tries to sell him a watch outside the hotel.

QUIVER!! As he overhears one homeless guy tell another that he doesn't like salad.

GASP!! As he returns a neighbour's wallet found in the bathroom and receives a coffee pot he doesn't like in reward.

RAGE!! As a couple shares a cab with him, and then pay him half the fare.

At one point, chatting to another resident about Ethan Hawke's film 'Chelsea Walls', his neighbour rages, "How can you mess up a movie like that? With all the material this hotel has to offer, all the history! It boggles the mind."

I hope she told him the same thing when she read this book.

Take This Job and Shove It

We all have those days where we fantasize about the looks on our colleagues faces as we spectacularly end our careers (or is that just me?), whether through a satisfyingly scathing resignation or behaviour so appalling you need to be frogmarched from the building. So, for those of us who'd love to do so but are unable thanks to a need to eat occasionally, I give you my favourite on-screen career enders.


Role Models

It would be bad enough having to consume enough energy drinks to turn your pee green, without then having to go and talk to kids about how your drink is way better than drugs. But having to do it on the same day as being dumped is just asking to be unemployed.

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Bruce Almighty

Being passed over for promotion is bad enough. Finding out about it on-air is a recipe for a firing.

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Spaced

Some people have no taste. When it's your boss, you may have to find yourself pretending you share those shitty tastes. At least until you don't want to work there anymore.

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Bridesmaids

As someone who hates most people, a career in customer service is most definitely not for me. I imagine most of my interactions would end like this.

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The Wire

The only thing more satisfying than punching the prick who's made your work-life hell, is knowing that he's also your father-in-law (unembeddable so click pic).

Breaking Bad

Sometimes it takes finding out you've got cancer to inspire the best insults.

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Wanted

You have to admit, this would be an incredibly satisfying way to leave your hated job.

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American  Beauty

The only thing better than telling your boss what you really think, is doing that and then blackmailing the bastard.

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Fight Club

Or you could do the above, but with added violence and reputation ruining. This clip is edited, unfortunately, so you're just going to have to watch Fight Club again to see it in full.

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Trainspotting

Of course, it's much better to simply avoid having to take the bloody job in the first place.

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So, what did I miss?

Getting Old at Colston Hall

Well, yesterday it was Bristol - Colston Hall to be exact. And after a short road trip and a mooch around, so were me and Rerab.

After a viewing of Jay & Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie (a movie which has already apparently bought Jay a house...nice!) it was time for a Get Old Q&A Podcast, including the now obligatory sex story from Jay, the giving of hugs, a celebration of Jay's 4 years clean and his attempt (and failure - you had one job, man!) at doing this:

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This was all rounded off, naturally, with a game of Let Us Fuck. 

Sadly, there were no recreations of Goodbye Horses (which is probably a good thing, as I was already nearly overcome with heat exhaustion):

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But it was still enough to make me want to steal a monkey.

Screen Schools

Your school days are apparently supposed to be some of the best of your lives. I can’t quite see that myself, as I wasn’t legally able to buy alcohol and cigarettes then, but if I’d gone to any one of these screen schools instead I might have felt differently.

Harley High (Heartbreak High)

One word: Rivers. 

Liberty High School (My So Called Life)

When I was fifteen I’d have wanted to go to Liberty High because of Jordan Catalano. Now I want to go so that I can give Angela a good shake and tell her to go out with that nice Brian Krakow boy instead, and then hug Ricky.

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Rydell High (Grease)

Whilst I sincerely doubt that I’d have been allowed to join the Pink Ladies, who wouldn’t want to go to a school where everyone wears 50s clothes and is forever bursting into song? (Except for NikNak, that is)

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Lee High (Dazed and Confused)

Aside from driving around listening to great music, I could also tell Wooderson that he really needs to stop hanging out with high school kids before he gets put on some sort of register.

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Sunnydale High (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

OK, so the likelihood is pretty high that if I hadn’t already been one of the random bodies stuffed into the school lockers, I’d have definitely been eaten by the giant Mayor-Snake that ruined Graduation. But at least I’d have never had to go out and work. Also: Great library (just don’t speak Latin in front of the books).

West or East Dillon High (Friday Night Lights)

This may come as a surprise as I am virtually allergic to all forms of sport, but everyone needs a Coach & Mrs Taylor in their life. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose!

McKinley High (Freaks and Geeks)

There’s quite a lot of things I’d like to do at McKinley High School - take P.E. with Biff Tannen, try not to smirk through a guidance session with Mr Rosso, listen to Nick talk about his 29-piece drum set and watch Kim Kelley’s latest smackdown while praying she doesn’t pick on me next. But, most of all, I want to hang out with Bill.

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 Rushmore Academy (Rushmore)

Not only is there a chance you’ll run into Bill Murray (although you’ll also bump into his awful twins), I also want to take every one of those extra-curricular activities (especially calligraphy) and I really, really want to be in that play.

San Dimas High School (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure)

Why San Dimas? Firstly, because everyone knows San Dimas High School football rules. Secondly, because my teenage self would (and did) have a massive crush on Ted ‘Theodore’ Logan. Thirdly, because hanging out at the K-mart might have meant I’d meet George Carlin. And lastly, because who wouldn’t want to sit through that history report?

Shermer High School (The Breakfast Club)

While Shermer High does feature twin horrors in the form of Saturday detentions and a headteacher that dresses like Barry Manilow, I could have spent my weeks slunking around and worshipping John Bender from afar.

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For those of you wondering where Neptune is, despite the attendance of Veronica Mars it was disqualified on the grounds of being mostly filled with giant asswipes. What else did I miss?

Best Animal Companions

Reading a recent Guardian piece on animal companions in kid's literature, I couldn't help but get pointlessly annoyed at the inclusion of Bartimaeus - an admittedly awesome djinni who however doesn't really ever even so much as take on an animal form. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it did make me start to wonder who my own favourite animal companions were, whether they be found in books, on telly or on the big screen. And so, without any further ado....

Muttley - Wacky Races

Animal companion to one Dick Dastardly and also an ace pilot, Muttley is easily the more intelligent of the two. He also has all the best catchphrases, and one of the world's best laughs.

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Pantalaimon - His Dark Materials

While not strictly an animal but Lyra Belacqua's daemon, Pan at least spends his time flitting between animal forms with his favourites being an ermine, a wildcat, and a mouse. The physical manifestation of her soul, Pan acts as the level-headed, cautious voice of reason for the passionate and reckless Lyra.

Nanook - The Lost Boys

As well as being the best looking dog to have ever graced the cinema screen, Nanook will also save you from vampiric siblings.

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Dog - Good Omens

A Hellhound acting as the Antichrist's protector and companion, Dog started put as a large and ferocious beast.  But Adam, swapped at birth and unaware of his origins, wishes for "one of those dogs that’s brilliantly intelligent and can go down rabbit holes and has one funny ear that always looks inside out" and so Dog soon becomes a small, fun mongrel, along with appropriate attitude adjustment.

Rothko - My Wrongs

Things can go very, very wrong when you're with a dog that thinks it's your lawyer. This one is probably the animal companion most likely to see you get jailed.

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Backup - Veronica Mars

Is our pint-sized PI going to take back-up with her? Of course she is, look at that face! Veronica's wingman on more than one investigation, Backup can inspire caution in even the biggest criminals.

Mouse - Dresden Files

Mouse is a Temple Dog with apparently divine origins. Having entered the life of one Harry Dresden in Blood Rites and deciding to stay, any who recognise Mouse for what he is are usually astounded that he chooses to hang out with Dresden. A huge beast of a dog with incredible intelligence - to the point of fully understanding human speech and battle plans - who emits a faint blue nimbus in battle, possesses supernatural speed and healing and a bark you wouldn't believe, no-one messes with Harry if Mouse has got anything to do with it.

Nighteyes - Robin Hobb's Assassin series

Thanks to the Wit, Robin Hobb's awesome Assassin books starring Fitzchivalry Farseer are also home to some of the best animal companions around. One of the series' main strengths was, to me, how Hobb gave each of the animals distinct personalities and voices. This was particularly true for Nighteyes, the wonderfully sarcastic and pragmatic wolf with whom Fitz shares a bond and who, it turned out, was also capable of completely shredding me emotionally:

"Wait for you? Not likely. I've always had to run ahead of you and show you the way." (Fool's Errand)

Meep.

Ghost the Fox - Grizzly Man

Some of the loveliest moments in Werner Herzog's incredible Grizzly Man come when Timothy Treadwell is hanging out with Ghost, the playful fox. It should be noted here however that, no matter how awesome they are, bears are NOT companions.

 

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Drogon - Game of Thrones

When I first drew up this list it was going to include Ghost, Jon Snow's albino dire-wolf, but then I remembered that when the choices include dragons, all other answers are wrong.

There are three of Danaerys' 'children' to choose from, but my favourite has to be the fantastically lairy Drogon, the largest and most aggressive of the three. He's already saved Dany in the Houses of the Undying and roasted a slave-master, but if the series is staying faithful to the books then he's about to become even more of a handful.

 

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Marcel - Friends

Everyone knows that monkeys are by far and away the very best animal there is. Make him a capuchin with a penchant for copulating with your friends belongings and refusing to listen to anything but his favourite song, and you've just hit the animal companion jackpot.

 

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16 years

16 years ago today, NikNak and I got together. So, in celebration, here are 16 films that were released that year...

1. The Big Lebowski.

We must have watched this one at least 1,000 times over the last 16 years, so this film really tied our relationship together.

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2. Rushmore

Kickstarting a shared adoration of Wes Anderson, further cementing my love for Bill Murray and inducting Jason Schwartzman into the hall of people who should be in everything...

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3. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

One day we will go to Vegas and recreate this film. I think I'd be NikNak's attorney...

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4. Blade

For my money, Blade is one of the best vampires ever thought up. And Wesley Snipes is one of the only action stars that I really believe could kick my head in.

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5. Antz

It may feel kinda yucky watching Woody Allen films these days, but he was the perfect choice to voice Z in a film that harks back to his earlier, funnier films.

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6. Taxi

Daniel is the best taxi driver, ever. And Samy Naceri should be in more things.

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7. The Faculty

Whatever happened to Josh Hartnett? Based on this I thought he was going to be great, but...

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8. Ringu

NikNak introduced me to Asian horror films, and my nightmares haven't been the same since...

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9. Armageddon

I don't care how stupid this film is, it's one of my guiltiest pleasures. And yes, I always cry at the end.

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10. Run Lola Run

While I'd like to be able to say I'd do the same for NikNak, I'm nowhere near as fit as Lola and after 5 minutes the rest of the film would just be me, turning purple and gasping for breath.

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11. Buffalo 66

Back in 1998 I had a thing for Vincent Gallo. I think it's because of the eyebrow ridge he shares with NikNak.

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12. Out of Sight

Also known as the only film in which J-Lo is any good at all...

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13. American History X

White supremacists are fucking terrifying...

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14. Saving Private Ryan

It's all bloody Matt Damon's fault...

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15. The Truman Show

NikNak had no idea when we got together just how many 'reality' shows I'd watch over the next 16 years...

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16. Godzilla

I don't think I've ever seen NikNak so excited as when he first saw this trailer. Sadly, his excitement didn't last throughout the film. Here's hoping Cranston helps pull it off better this time around...

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Happy Anniversary!

Things I Miss

A long distance catch-up with Midge and a short visit with Rerab this afternoon got me thinking. There are a few things I miss these days, including:

The sun...

It's been so long since I saw the sun that if it chose to appear in the sky now I'd probably turn into a medieval villager and start screaming about the fiery ball of doom about to consume us all.

...and not being wet

I'm not kidding when I say I have spent the last three months in the wet, howling dark. With the rain coming sideways most days, the short walk to work usually sees me arrive looking like I've just stepped, fully clothed, out of the shower.

Reading at lunch

Once upon a time, when I worked with Midge, every lunch saw me getting a solid half hour of Kindle time. My new working life stole that lunch break entirely for a stretch, but being in (another) new team has meant taking lunch breaks once more. Sadly, my Kindle hasn't yet made it out of my bag as people insist on talking to me instead.

Knowing who pop stars are, and them being any good

Most of my brushes with popular music these days consist of me asking "What's a Macklemore?" or "so, people actually buy this shit?"

To my ears, all pop now sounds like this (and thanks to Is for sharing):

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My telly choices

Luckily, NikNak and I share similar tastes in film and telly and therefore avoid a lot of arguing over the TV remote. However, there are a few things I like that NikNak wouldn't be caught dead watching. Reality TV, heavy literary adaptations, historical dramas and films that feature a lot of dancing are all things which must wait until he's either asleep or out of the house. But the fact that he's a super-sensitive sleeper who seems to instinctively know that you've changed the channel, and that I'm either asleep or at work when he's out of the house, means that I must simply accept that I will never get to watch Channing Tatum dance again. Sniff!

Films that don't make me fall asleep

I've always been something of a film buff and times gone by saw me often in the cinema, buying at least a few DVD's a month, and able to reel off a ton of new releases I was looking forward to. It's been a pretty pants few years for films, and even the ones I've got around to watching have put me to sleep within a few minutes. The Lone Ranger prompted an instant coma, Carrie wasn't a patch on the original, Star Trek: Into Darkness lacked all of the charm that made its predecessor such fun, and American Hustle was so boring that I started watching Christian Bale's comb-over rather than caring about anything happening. Thank the gods, then, for The Wolf of Wall Street and Leonardo DiCaprio's hilarious turn that managed to make me forget that I think he's a douchebag most of the time.

Being able to play computer games

NikNak and I spend a lot of time playing computer games but, over the years, the games we play have started to change. Games have evolved a lot since I first picked up a controller, becoming bigger and more complex with each release. Unfortunately, my skills have not evolved with them, and my attempts at playing Assassin's Creed saw me showing off my falling off roof skills while my tendency to accidentally steal from crowds of people meant I spent a lot of time running away from enraged mobs.

Halo wasn't any better, after I somehow jammed myself into a corner under enemy fire and couldn't get back out again, and even Little Big Planet was too hard. From now on I'm sticking with the Lego games, which are far more my style (although I still get stuck a lot).


Liking Johnny Depp

Johnny Depp used to be the coolest man on the planet. Never apparently one to actively court fame, instead of going for the money he could usually be found starring in great little indies while keeping his private life mostly private (apart from the odd bout of hotel room trashing). Captain Jack clearly did something irrevocable to him, as he can now be found starring in the latest Disney shitshows which have clearly had more money than thought flung at them, had an awful mid-life crisis hairdo and picked up the young blonde to match, while having his PR feed  "Isn't Amber great?" pieces to the tabloids at least once a week. Still, at least he seems to have stopped with the scarves.....for now.


Hating Bieber

Let me start this by saying that I have never knowingly heard a Justin Bieber song. And up until recently, I didn't really think much of the kid at all, other than that he seemed to have more money than was good for him and no-one telling him no. I still think that's the case, and I'm still going to avoid hearing his music for as long as is humanly possible, but in an age where most celebrities are busy protecting the brand and hiding any signs of their true personalities, I'm starting to be grateful for at least one celebrity who is good for gossip and who seems set to give us plenty more chuffed looking mugshots in 2014.

Believing that I'd get to the end of A Game of Thrones before the show does

I first started reading the Song of Ice and Fire series back in 2010. I was late to the party too - many had been reading since A Game of Thrones was first published back in 1996. Eighteen years later, we're still waiting for the last two books (and the last entry, A Dance With Dragons, was published six years after its predecessor).

I used to worry that George RR Martin would pull a Robert Jordan before the series end. Now I'm worried that the show will get to the end long before the books do.