The Freebie 5 - Musical Edition

It's been a little while since our last trawl through my Freebie 5's and so, as it's Friday and the weekend is nearly upon us (woo!), it's time to revisit my list of imaginary boyfriends. This time it's the Musical Edition.

5. Leonard Cohen

I first fell in love with Leonard Cohen long before I’d even set eyes on him. It was in those dark days before the internet, you see, and so instead of gazing at his face I had to content myself with letting his wonderful words wash over me. 

Now edging ever closer to 100 years old and still terrifically twinkly, he makes the list even though I’d be slightly worried that I’d kill him.

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4. Nick Cave

Even though Nick seems intent these days on dressing like a porny Vegas lounge-lizard, it hasn’t diminished his sexiness in the slightest. I imagine that sleeping with him would be very intense…and possibly lead to him imagining murdering me in song.

It won't let me embed him here, so click on the picture to watch him in action.

3. Gruff Rhys

From the first minute I heard Hello Sunshine, my crush on Gruff Rhys was born. He really is so very lovely – and I can’t really put my finger on why. Is it his lovely accent? His lovely music? his lovely jumpers? his lovely beard…? One thing’s for sure – he’s lovely.

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2. Wayne Coyne

Looking better every day that he gets a little more salt in his pepper, Wayne Coyne looks to me like the world’s most charismatic cult leader. It’s a cult I’d very much like to join. 

 *crosses fingers* Please let it be a sex cult.

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1. Prince

In the history of the world there has never been anyone as sexy as Prince, and anyone who doesn’t fancy him clearly has something wrong with their genitals. True story.
In my fantasy freebie 5 scenario he starts by putting my make-up on for me (he’s way better at it than I am) and we try to imagine what silence looks like, before getting bored and spending the rest of the evening acting out International Lover.

Again, this won't let me embed him (fnar!) so click on the picture to watch one of the only videos of his that seems to remain on Youtube...

And the 'if only they weren't dead' bonus:

Jim:

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Bob:

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The Freebie 5 - Over 50 Edition

It's been a while since we had a list and as my brain is buzzing with bees thanks to a severe case of the sniffles, making it hard to think, why not take a look at some pretty instead as I continue my trawl through my Freebie 5's? This time around, it's the Over 50 Edition.

I've always had a thing for a man with a few years on him, and over the years it's become even more likely that the objects of my lust are men who've already reached half a century. Below are my favourites.


Iggy Pop (born 1947)

I’ve had a thing for Iggy since I was a teenager, and no number of dodgy insurance adverts is ever going to change that. Look at him….

You just know he’d be ever so filthy, and ever so much fun. (P.S. The first person to comment disparagingly on his wrinkles wins the chance to post a shirtless picture of themselves here, on the occasion of their 66th birthday).

Bill Murray (born 1950)

I first fell in love with Bill Murray as a little girl, watching Ghostbusters, and it’s a crush that’s only got worse with time. Funny is most definitely sexy, and Bill Murray is hilarious.

Danny Trejo (born 1944)

One of the actors guaranteed to get my money, no matter what, Danny Trejo has one of the most wonderful faces I’ve ever seen. I like men who look like they’ve really lived, and you can’t deny that there’s an awful lot of life here. I want to live in those bags…

Clancy Brown (born 1959)

Clancy Brown is a god. I’ve watched any number of terrible films over the years just because Clancy was in them, and I don’t regret a single second. And while I’ll never find him more attractive than when he’s like this...

…I don’t really need to see him either. That wonderful, rumbling voice could make things happen all on its own, which makes the fact that he provides voice-work for children's shows a little strange for me.

Viggo Mortensen (born 1958)

It’s positively indecent that one man can be so talented. As well as acting, Viggo Mortensen is a painter, poet, photographer and musician. Looking fantastic whether he's opening a door handsomely or baring all for his art, even a combination of every single apparently hot actor under 50 would find themselves outscorched in comparison.

Well, those are my favourite half-centurians. Who are yours? 

The Freebie 5 - Euro Dudes

Lying around in the sun has nearly completely destroyed all of my capacity for coherent thought and has even made trying to string a sentence together rather difficult. Much better to look at pretty pictures instead, so why not continue our trawl through my Freebie 5’s with a look at some Euro dudes who just happen to be face-meltingly hot?

5. Tcheky Karyo

Usually found playing the bad guy (and therefore immediately making me root for the wrong side), Turkish born French actor Tcheky Karyo first came to my attention in Crying Freeman. Now, if he's in it, I'll watch it. Even when it's The Core, though I find it infinitely preferable when it's in a film in which people get kicked a lot:

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4. Christoph Waltz

Austrian German Christoph Waltz is making it something of a habit to steal every film he's in, no matter the size of the part. Classy, charming and ever so slightly silly, I could watch this man read the telephone book. But I'll settle for him threatening James Franco instead:

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3. Vincent Cassel

Another Frenchman, Cassel started off blisteringly with La Haine. Showing impeccable taste in film roles (especially whenever it comes to starring alongside Viggo Mortensen, who would have made this list if he hadn't been, y'know...American), he's never anything less than mesmerising, and is only getting better with age. 

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2. Mads Mikkelsen

I can't stand the James Bond films so didn't get on the Mads bandwagon with everyone else, never really understanding the attraction. Until I saw Valhalla Rising. Never has a one-eyed, filthy and brutal mute been so attractive: 

Having also since come to my attention as The Man With The Fantastic Thighs in the cinematic abortion that is the Clash of the Titans remake (and the only thing worth looking at in the entire film), as well as Holy Crap Check Out That Scorching Knight in King Arthur, happily Mads is now busy melting my TV screen (as well as modelling a fine range of suits) each week on Hannibal:

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1. Sebastian Chabal

The only one who isn't an actor, what's really strange about this choice is that Sebastian Chabal is a sports dude. I hate sports, and can be found with my head buried in a book whenever NikNak chooses to watch any. The only way I can be enticed to look up is if this man is onscreen:

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I think I need a lie-down now, I'm feeling a little...ahem...overcome.

The Freebie 5 - TV Edition

After all that ranting yesterday, it’s probably time for a nice list. What better way to put that list to use than to be a complete hypocrite and objectify some men?

You may have noticed that I already have more than one Freebie 5 floating around. This is because I am greedy and free with my affections, and couldn’t bear to cut a single one. This time around, it’s the TV edition and those men who, even if their shows were crap, would still have me tuning in. Most of these shows have been around for yonks (and none are crap), but my crushes have been long kept alive thanks to frequent repeat viewings.

5. Game of Thrones – Khal Drogo

I’ve always had a bit of a thing for men with a touch of the Neanderthal about them (check out the eyebrow ridge on Drogo – the best feature I believe a man can possess), and so I already had a pretty hefty crush on this dude after reading the books. Then the show went and cast Jason Mmmmmmmmmmomoa, who even manages to look good while ripping out a tongue:

(warning for the squeamish: clip features said tongue ripping)

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4. Eric Northman - True Blood

This spot ought to have been Mathew Baynton in Horrible Histories, but it seems YouTube is now blocking anyone in the UK from watching it, the wankers. If only I could set Eric Northman on them...

Not only a vampire, but one who happens to have been a Viking, Eric Northman is over 6 feet of badassery. Right up until he lost his memory and started loving Sookie, but thankfully that seems to be mostly over, for now... 

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3. Deadwood – Sheriff Bullock

There are a number of characters from Deadwood who are constantly jostling for position as my favourite (hi, Doc!), but only one can claim the spot as Show Crush. Sheriff Bullock nearly scorched my retinas as he clenched, growled, smouldered and punched his way through the show.

(warning for the squeamish: if you’re new to Deadwood, this clip contains language and the major loss of some teeth)

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2. Buffy The Vampire Slayer – Spike

Unlike many Buffy fans, for me Angel never held that much appeal – all that angst, and no sex, and t’ai chi – but Spike…Spike might have been evil (most of the time) but he was fun. And had cheekbones you could cut yourself on. And wore a leather duster extremely well, even if he knew it. And while his character may have taken a turn for the emo in later seasons, he remained one of the show’s highlights.

(And I'd like to take a moment here to say a big 'ugh' to all the emo Spuffy videos littering YouTube. Stop making Spike suck, people!)

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1. Oz – Ryan O’Reilly & Simon Adebisi

So I’m cheating – so what? This is Oz, and cheating is to be expected. Besides, I couldn’t bring myself to choose between them, and while O’Reilly might have the edge thanks to his Machiavellian shenanigans, Adebisi has those wonderful eyelashes and a lot of teeth kissing going on. Eventually, I realised that these two were at their diabolical best when they worked together:

You'll have to click away for this one as YouTube won't let me embed it, for some stupid reason. I promise it's worth it.

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Honourable mentions:

Blackadder (but only in 2) and Jimmy McNulty (you naughty, infuriating and lovely man).

The Freebie 5 - Fictional Edition

In case you haven't noticed yet, I love to read. Real life is totally over-rated if you ask me (although I realise you didn't), and given the choice I'd happily shut myself away for months at a time, armed with nothing but my Kindle (and a steady stream of tea, fags and crisps). I've even found myself idly wondering at times if I should commit a crime or get sectioned in order to boost my reading time. 

So it should come as no surprise to find out that I'm also the sort of girl who frequently develops crushes on fictional characters. Fandoms like the Twi-hards show that I'm not alone in this, although I despise that sparkly-titted emotional abuser Edward Cullen, and the only thing I'd like to do to Christian Grey is punch him in the neck. So, who does float my boat? I'm glad you asked...

5. Whirrun of Bligh - The Heroes (Joe Abercrombie)

Whirrun of Bligh is utterly nonchalant, slightly spooky and completely hilarious. A tall, lean and mean-looking maniac wielding The Father of Swords, he's a killer feared by other killers, frequently seen wading into battles shirtless:

"Armour...' mused Whirrun, licking a finger and scrubbing some speck of dirt from the pommel of his sword, 'is part of a state of mind...in which you admit the possibility...of being hit."

See? Total badass. Who also happens to be bloody good fun. Just don't tell him why people call him Cracknut (on account of being, well, cracked):

"They do?' Whirrun frowned. 'Oh, that's less complimentary, the fuckers. I'll have to have words next time I hear that. You've completely bloody spoiled it for me!"

 

4. Zaphod Beeblebrox - Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (Douglas Adams)

 I seem to have a thing for self-obsessed, hedonistic, charismatic and devious gobshites. One-time President of The Universe and apparently "the best Bang since the Big One", the fact that Zaphod has two heads and three arms does nothing to diminish his charm.

He's got an awesome spaceship, the Heart of Gold, and is one hell of a snappy dresser. He's untrustworthy and narcissistic, but he's also the inventor of the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. He has the best name in the history of names, and some of the best lines ever written.

No wonder Trillian ran away with him.

3. Crowley - Good Omens (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman)

Crowley is a fallen angel, though "he didn't so much fall as saunter vaguely downward". Previously known as Crawly, the serpent who hung out in Eden, he now has:

"dark hair, and good cheekbones, and he was wearing snakeskin shoes, or at least presumably he was wearing shoes, and he could do really weird things with his tongue. And, whenever he forgot himself, he had a tendency to hiss."

He has a knack for getting himself into trouble, and out of it, as well as a talent for sarcasm. He's claimed some small victories for Evil in his time (such as phone network failures, and the M25) but he has a surprisingly low tolerance for true evil, especially being one of Hell's minions, even going so far as attempting to avert The Apocalypse with his friend/rival, the angel Aziraphale.

And he does it all while wearing Cool Shades.

2. Prince Hector of Troy - The Iliad (Homer) 

My obsession with Prince Hector (or Hektor, if you prefer) started with Homer, and then got well and truly stoked by David Gemmell with his Troy series. I've even watched the Troy film (starring a 'roided-up Brad Pitt as Achilles and Eric Bana as my beloved Hector) a number of times after convincing myself each time it's on telly that it can't really be the total shitfest that I remember (I always discover rather quickly that I'm wrong).


The only non-asshole on this list, Prince Hector is the ruddy brave and bloody tragic eldest son and heir of King Priam of Troy, a formidable warrior who's a peaceful man. Lacking bloodthirstiness, he's courageous and noble. He cares deeply for his people and family - even his stupid little brother who started the whole bloody war with the Greeks in the first place and now won't face up to the consequences. While Paris skulks about Troy with Helen, Hector faces the combined armies of Greece and her allies, who include the awesomely devious Odysseus and that shit, Achilles. With all sorts of gods also getting involved, the dice are loaded against him and his city, but instead of feeling sorry for himself in the face of certain death, Hector dies like he lives - like a boss.

Every time I read anything of Troy and Hector, I spend all of my time attempting to send death rays to Achilles in the vain hope that somehow things will turn out differently. They never do, and I always weep like a bereaved child when it happens. Eep...

1. Lestat de Lioncourt - The Vampire Chronicles (Anne Rice)

The Brat Prince, and King of Awesome as far as I'm concerned, Lestat comes from the pen and mind of Anne Rice. Thank you, Anne.

The first time I ever came up against Lestat was in Interview With A Vampire, starring Tom Cruise. I have a slightly irrational hatred for Tom Cruise and find him deeply unsexy and so, years later, when Midge told me of her love for Lestat, I thought she was deranged. Until she lent me her books, and I ate a whole lot of humble pie.

We first meet Lestat in the aforementioned Interview... as the sire of our narrator, drippy Louis. Seen through Louis' eyes he's ruthless, seductive, vindictive and selfish, and I spent most of my time when he was off-stage wondering what might be happening to him rather than paying attention to Louis.

Then The Vampire Lestat happened. As the title suggests, this time it's all about him. And it's fabulous. Formerly an impoverished aristocrat in 18th century France with a mane of blond hair, a sensual mouth and a very high opinion of himself (he's a "gorgeous fiend", if he does say so himself. Although I have to agree), Lestat clearly isn't too bad to look at. But that's not what makes him so fantastic.

A far more fascinating and vivacious narrator than Louis, he's also the most wonderfully complex, interesting and infuriating character I think I've ever read. Even his friends seem to hate him as much as they love him. Amongst many, many other things, he's vain, foppish, bold, defiant, philosophical, hedonistic, charismatic, irresponsible, petulant, intelligent, egocentric, petty and dramatic. He's a complete bastard, a total sweetheart, and utterly hilarious.

In short, he's exactly the sort of man who sets my heart a-fluttering and my knickers aflame.


That's my fictional Freebie 5.....who are yours?

The Freebie 5 - teenage edition

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic today following my soundtrack, and it got me thinking about the men in my (imaginary) life. 

I'm a fickle girl at the best of times - it's easy to win my heart, but easy to lose it too - but these men had my heart, and my wall space, when I was a teenager.

The All-Timer

I still have a soft spot for Keanu these days. I don't care that he seems a little dumb, I don't care that he had a terrible accent in Dracula, and I don't care that he looks like a tramp most of the time. I will watch absolutely anything he makes (still), and love it. The news that they're now remaking Point Break and Bill & Ted makes me feel a little bit stabby.

The one that didn't need to be understood

I loved Faith No More. And even though I could barely make out what Mike Patton was singing most of the time (he became even less understandable as time went on and he cut his hair), I loved him too. I can only find terrible photos, so it's a good excuse to post one of their videos instead.

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The one with the best hair

You may be noticing a trend here towards long hair. This one had the longest, plus tattoos, and liked dancing around with a sock on his willy. What's not to love? He doesn't look half as good these days with short hair and a porn moustache...

The one I wanted to look after

It's impossible to look at Evan Dando, or listen to any of his music, without going 'Aww'.

In case you're wondering what his music sounds like, here's The Lemonheads with one of my favourites:

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The one with the fantastic name

Of course, it helps that Whitfield Crane IV looked fantastic too.

And if you're thinking "Who he?", here's a song I'm sure you'll remember:

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Thinking about it, my tastes haven't really changed all that much...have yours?