Friday, 2 August 2013

Someone slap that kid...

Having been a wee bit frustrated earlier, it's time to work off that rage. So let's take a look at some of the screen kids I'd most like to slap...

Joffrey Lannister Baratheon - A Game of Thrones

The face that epitomises this post, I despised Joffrey with the fiery passion of a thousand suns when I first read what's been published so far of A Song of Ice & Fire. But the fantastic casting on the HBO show has ensured that while Jack Gleeson is doing a fantastically smug and sadistic job, and even though I know it isn't real, if I ever see him in the street I can't promise that I won't slap him.

Oliver Twist - Oliver!

With a wet little face to match his wet little singing voice, I really can't stand Oliver, the wet little fart, and would quite happily see him banished back to Mr Bumble and the workhouse. More? I'll give you about a fist sandwich, you little twerp?

Kenard - The Wire

He looks so cute, doesn't he? Appearances really are deceiving, as he's a cat-torturing, thieving little runt, and anyone who's seen Season 5 of The Wire knows exactly why KENARD MUST DIE!!

Dawn Summers – Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Buffy’s Season 5 saw the introduction of little sister Dawn, in a move that had me initially thinking I’d had some sort of aneurysm and had blanked on her existence for the run of the show. Turns out that Dawn was actually a mystical key to a hell dimension, made into human form and inserted into the slayer’s life by a bunch of monks. Unfortunately for everyone, turns out those bloody monks had created one of the most irritating brats to have ever besmirched my television screen, who spent her time working my last nerve, sucking airtime from characters I did like, and making me screech at Buffy to put me out of my misery and slay the little sod already.

T.J. - The Champ

Someone only has to utter the words The Champ in my vicinity and I am instantly transformed into a snarling ball of incoherent and completely irrational rage. Not because it’s a terrible film, or because of the blatant and overbearing emotional manipulation. No, it’s the kid.

I know it seems monstrous to harbour such loathing for a such an apparently adorable watery-eyed moppet who’s just been tragically bereaved, and really have no idea what this poor kid has done to have irritated me so much. What I do know is that whenever his face appears on my screen, I want to fling things at it.

Well, there you have it - my most slappable on-screen children. And my rage has abated...

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