NikNak loves watching Masterchef. With every version he can find on series link - Masterchef, Masterchef The Professionals, Masterchef Australia, Masterchef Ireland - there's not an evening goes by without us watching at least one episode. But if there's one thing NikNak loves more than Masterchef, it's shouting at Masterchef.
I find this wildly entertaining (which is probably why we've now passed the 15 year relationship mark), and now I'm going to share it with you. Surreptitious recording of some of NikNak's outbursts over the past weeks has netted me the following:
Things NikNak bellows at least once an episode:
"Cook your fucking meat!"
"I don't want my food to look like anything on this show." (usually said while tucking into a plate of spaghetti and cheese on toast)
"That needs waaaay more gravy."
"Bloody samphire again."
NikNak: "Get the gash on?!" (It was a ganache)
Me: "What's he making?"
NikNak: "A Cassius Clay sauce." (Cassis)
On Michel Roux:
Michel, describing his own dish: "...finished with a beautiful, imaginative decoration."
NikNak (grumbling): "If you do say so yourself."
Michel to contestants: "I want perfection."
NikNak to Michel: "Well we can all want, can't we Michel?"
On skills tests:
NikNak: "Here's some squid, now fuck it up."
NikNak: "Here's some stuff. Now make some flossy flossy floo floo."
Contestants are told to butcher some meat.
NikNak: "Innards, out!!"
Contestants are told they can make whatever they want.
NikNak: "Make a pasty!"
Gregg tells contestants "...off you go."
NikNak to Gregg: "Fuck you, Gregg! Off YOU go!"
On Gregg loving a dessert NikNak was unimpressed with.
NikNak: "You like anything! You'd eat sweet dog turds!"
NikNak: "Fucking pigeon? Have you not got any proper meat, you scabs?!"
Food critic: "That pigeon was cooked perfectly for me."
NikNak: "What, did they make it not be pigeon?"
Another contestant wheels out some pigeon.
NikNak: "He's done pigeon, so he can go home aswell."
And then another.
NikNak: "What is this? A restaurant for cats?!"
On the judgements:
NikNak: "That was harsh...Harsh, but fair."
On a chef he liked being sent home.
NikNak: "That's BULLSHIT that is! Fucking boo!!"
Me: "I missed what he said then. What are they doing?"
NikNak: "Undercooking their meat."