Friday, 12 July 2013

Nice parenting, dudes...

Some people should never have become parents. Everyone knows that no-one can fuck you up quicker than your parents, and that would seem especially true of those on-screen. 

The roll-call of bad parents is endless, but some of them are truly special. In no particular order, I give you those who I think make being raised by wolves seem a really good idea.

Warning - spoilers will abound below, so consider yourself warned.

Allie Fox - Mosquito Coast

Allie Fox is an idealistic, driven man of great vision and something of a mechanical genius who, fed up with what he sees as the rotten state of America, drags his family off to the Honduran jungle to start again. Many elements of the things that Allie believes and accomplishes are quite admirable, but his idealism is extreme and his method of getting things done is to domineer and bully his family and those around him.

Upon making a catastrophic mistake, instead of using common sense and doing what is right by his family, Allie instead embarks upon a series of ever more dangerous mistakes and increasingly extreme behaviour and, by sheer force of personality, drags his family against their better instincts further down into nightmare, almost leading to their deaths.

Worse still – he calls his wife Mother.

For iPhone/iPad click here.

Mallory's dad - Natural Born Killers 

Mallory’s dad (Rodney Dangerfield on top, shudder-inducing form) is a real charmer. A domineering bully who’s physically abusive to his wife and sexually abusive to his daughter, his son is the product of one drunken night when he accidentally climbed into bed with his wife, instead of his daughter.

For iPhone/iPad click here.

I wasn’t sorry he was killed.

De'Londa Brice - The Wire

De’Londa is the mother of Namond Brice. Uber-materialistic, it matters more to De’Londa that Namond wear the right thing than do the right thing and with Namond’s dad, Wee-Bey, in chokey for the many murders he committed on behalf of the Barksdale’s, De’Londa would very much like to be kept in the style to which she’s accustomed. There’s only one thing for it – it’s time for Namond to go out and earn like his daddy did. Even though he’s clearly not cut out for it. When Namond is ripped off by one of his own kiddie crew, De’Londa is not the voice of reason: 

Delonda: What you mean, Kenard took the stash? And he still walking around?Namond: I'm gonna talk to him, Ma. Make sure this never happen again.
Delonda: Look at me, boy. Kenard got to feel some pain for what he did. He got to.Namond: I don't...
Delonda: You don't what, motherfucker? This how you pay me back for all the love I showed? Shit, I been kept you in Nikes since you were in diapers!

And when Namond is kept from being sent to ‘baby booking’ by his new teacher, former cop Bunny Colvin, is she grateful? Is she fuck:

For iPhone/iPad click here.

John Winchester - Supernatural

John is the father of Dean and Sam Winchester. When their mother was killed by a demon during Sam’s infancy, John did not dedicate himself to raising his boys. Instead they became his second priority, with his first being demon-hunting. 

Frequently abandoning his boys for long periods when on a hunt (including one Christmas, when a 12-year old Dean had to pretend he’d come to their motel while 8-year old Sam slept, and scrounge up the presents that his asshole Dad had also failed to bother with), he’s doesn’t seem to care about what might happen to them if he doesn’t make it back. It’s not long before he’s teaching them how to hunt demons too, and actively putting them in harm’s way. They are to obey his instructions and orders unfailingly, with Dean brainwashed to protect younger brother Sam at all costs – leading him to become an adult with a major martyr complex, who’s forever selling his soul (literally) to keep Sam out of trouble.

It’s later revealed that John wasn’t just a shitty father to Dean and Sam, but had a whole other family going on elsewhere. And he’s a shitty father in that one too.

Jeff Bridges & Meg Tilly - Tideland

Jeliza-Rose is as cute as a button, but her parents are a horror show. Both junkies, they’ve taught her some incredible life skills – such as how to properly prepare heroin for them:

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After her lovely mother (Meg Tilly) dies of an overdose, her father Noah (Jeff Bridges) takes her to stay at his mother’s abandoned farmhouse. During their first night there, Noah ups and OD’s too, leaving Jeliza-Rose with nothing but her imagination, some dismembered doll’s heads and his rapidly decomposing corpse for company.

Harry Morgan - Dexter

Harry Morgan was once a highly respected detective. Having found the children of one of his snitches sitting in their dead mother’s blood, Harry took the youngest, Dexter, home to raise as his own. When young Dexter shows signs of violent sociopathy, Harry takes him hunting to satisfy his homicidal urges. Believing they won’t always be able to be satisfied with animals, he then makes an astounding decision...He teaches Dexter how to not get caught. 

In the meantime, his natural daughter Debra is virtually ignored. And while she might not have grown up to be a serial killer, she’s not particularly well-adjusted either.

For iPhone/iPad click here.

Big Daddy - Kick Ass

The above gif should tell you all you need to know about why Damon Macready (aka Big Daddy) is an appalling parent. In case it doesn’t, here’s some more ammunition. 

A former cop with a grudge against the crime boss who framed him as a drug dealer, Macready reclaimed his young daughter on his release from prison. Ripping her out of everyday life and stealing any chance at childhood she might have had, Macready doesn’t choose to raise his child as best he can in order for her to become a happy, well-adjusted adult. Instead, he chooses to live in the underworld and trains her as an assassin, frequently sending his little girl alone into deadly situations (with himself providing ‘backup’ in the form of a sniper rifle a building or so away). Not out of any high-minded ideals of justice, or because these are skills he thinks she’ll need to survive in a dangerous world, but out of pure selfishness - to help facilitate his own mission of vengeance.

Big Daddy? More like Shit Daddy.

Livia Soprano - The Sopranos

Livia Soprano is the mother from hell, and her children have the psychological scars to prove it. A manipulative and bitter queen of passive-aggression, her only joy in life would appear to be making other people as miserable as possible, which is something she excels at. 

Unluckily for her son, Tony, Livia doesn’t always just stop at making people miserable and when he suggests she might live in a ‘retirement community’ (after she’s almost burnt down her house), she manipulates his Uncle Junior into trying to have him whacked.

For iPhone/iPad click here.

Tony is, naturally, rather hostile to his mother in return, and plans to suffocate her with a pillow. Sadly for everyone, his plan is foiled and she lives to ruin quite a few more days…

Aaron Echolls - Veronica Mars

At first glance, being Aaron Echolls’ kid would appear to be awesome. An A-list movie star (and Perseus in Clash of the Titans!) Aaron Echolls has a horde of adoring fans, a beautiful wife (even if she’s gone to the surgeon a few too many times), a fabulous home and a ton of money. Too bad his son, Logan, is a jackass… 

Except, things aren’t quite what they appear. And from the moment we see Logan choose a belt, the reality of being Aaron’s son becomes horrifyingly clear. When he’s not busy abusing his son, he’s shagging anything that moves - including Logan’s girlfriend.
And when Logan’s new girlfriend finds out what else he's been up to? Let’s just say, Aaron Echolls is the reason you should always check your backseat before getting in the car…

and finally...

Vern Schillinger - Oz

Vern Schillinger has brought his sons up to hate. Having gone to prison for beating a drug dealer in front of them, after using them as bait for a purchase he’s since gone on to become head of the Aryan Brotherhood in Oz. Sadly, his influence doesn’t stop once he’s in prison and he has them kidnap the children of his nemesis, Tobias Beecher, and mail pieces of his son back to him. Beecher has Hank, Schillinger’s youngest, murdered in return.
Hating drugs almost as much as other races, Schillinger is disgusted that his boys grew up to become junkies and when his remaining son, Andrew, comes to Oz he has his Brotherhood cronies shun him until he’s clean. Until he’s befriended by Beecher, at which point Schillinger promptly arranges for his only remaining child to die from an overdose.

Those wolves are looking more attractive every minute, aren't they?

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