Saturday, 29 June 2013

Oh, could you?

Ever heard the adage that men age like fine wine and women like old milk? I’ve read many a celeb gossip magazine over the years, and they would all seem to agree - I’ve lost count of the amount of features I’ve seen crowing about a wrinkle spotted on an actress, or spreads zooming in on and disparaging a pair of less than youthful hands. But time can be unkind to both sexes, so I’m going to even things out a little.

In each of the following cases time’s been more than a little mean, especially as I’d nursed a crush on each and every one at some point in my life...

10. Joey Lawrence.

While I’m not particularly proud of my former crush on Joey Lawrence, I don’t think I could really be blamed. I was 12, after all, and he was very pretty in a very vacant sort of way. So you can imagine my shock on seeing how he eventually turned out. Did someone embalm him? Is his hair painted on? I feel like I’m looking at a particularly shitty waxwork dummy of someone else.

9. Tony Curtis

Once upon a time Tony Curtis was hotter than the sun. Over the years, he evolved into something you’d use to frighten children into behaving.

8. Vince Vaughn

NikNak was incredulous that I’d ever found Vince Vaughn attractive, but he hadn’t spent Swingers staring at him anywhere near as intently as I did. 17 years later, I just want to look away.

7. Oliver Reed

The thing most people now remember about Oliver Reed is his drunken buffoonery on talk shows. It’s easy to forget that he was once a smouldering sex bomb.

6. Adam Ant

I've been fixated with highwaymen, pirates and other dandies ever since I can remember - a fact I hold Adam Ant entirely responsible for. My word, wasn’t he fantastic looking? Now…not so much.

5. Val Kilmer

Val Kilmer was once completely delicious. Now it looks like there’s nothing he doesn’t find delicious.

4. Axl Rose

I used to do a little but a little wouldn’t do it, so the little got more and more…and now I look like this.

3. Cary Elwes

The Princess Bride is one of my top 5 all-time favourite films, and hundreds of rewatches mean Cary Elwes as he was is forever seared into my brain. I’ll never stop being surprised when I see him now. I can sort of see him in there...somewhere.

2.James Spader

Reptilian, sleazy and achingly sexy, James Spader scorched his way through the 80’s. I never thought I’d live to see the day that Blane was hotter than Steff. But I did.

1.Judd Nelson

This one is the most distressing to me because I saw The Breakfast Club numerous times when I was growing up (not to mention the hundreds more times since). First setting eyes on him before I’d ever so much as kissed a boy, John Bender seemed to subconsciously become the template upon which all future boyfriends would be based - all the girls love a bad boy, after all. Sadly, the only badness it looks like Judd is up to these days is forgetting to put the bins out on collection day.


  1. Arrggghhh. There must also be a 'no way to wahey' list out there somewhere...Anthony Michael Hall aged 50 anyone, Bueller?

    1. Ooh, good pick on Anyhony Michael Hall. I'm gonna have to get my thinking cap on...

  2. And this is interesting...and often very wrong: Willem Dafoe ugly?!!!!! I think not.

    1. I'm with you. I saw Danny Trejo and Iggy POp on there too - that's 3 of my over-50 Freebie 5, right there!

  3. Cary Elwes now looks like a hybrid of Ron Howard and Mark Hamill.....