Friday, 21 June 2013

Fanny cupping

You’re a woman. You’re out with your friends, drinking and dancing up a storm, when you head to the bar. Between then and getting back to your friends, and especially while you’re holding your drink, how many times do you think your fanny will be cupped? 

Let me be clear here – I’m definitely not using ‘fanny’ in the American sense. Men are not gently cupping your behind as you pass (which would be a nuisance in itself). I’m using it in the very English sense. Your fanny, your fanjita, your foo, moo, tuppence, front bum, muff, minge, whatever you want to call it – I’m talking about your vagina. 

Call me crazy, but I thought it was generally understood that a woman’s fanny is her own. Not the sort of thing usually shared casually with strangers, and certainly not without her invitation. My own experience seems to say I’m wrong.

In recent years it seems to have become something of a trend – odds are fairly high that a woman standing in a bar, club or pub will at some point feel a stranger’s hand slip between her legs. Usually accompanied by an intense stare as the cupper awaits your throwing yourself at him, they always seem surprised when you dare to slap their hand away. Of course, that obviously means you are a ‘fucking lesbian’ (as bellowed in my face by someone who took offence at my taking offence at being sexually assaulted) and is usually taken as a license to get even more aggressive (I believe my objection was about to earn me a slap before I scarpered).

The first time it happened to me I thought it was an isolated incident involving a particularly unpleasant inebriate. Then it happened again. Is it me? I wondered. Am I dressing in a way which would attract that sort of attention? Am I giving off the wrong signals? (Isn’t it funny how women are conditioned to first blame ourselves in these situations?) I asked my friends – and found out I wasn’t the only person who’d had this experience.

For some reason, some men now think it is a perfectly acceptable way of approaching a woman. Sod talking to her or anything silly like that – just go straight in for the kill and focus on the only body part that matters to you. 

Urban Dictionary has the practice termed:

“Jobson: successfully pull a girl on the dancefloor in a bar/club without speaking to her and only getting in by cupping her fanny.”
Seriously? Who are the women being lured in by this approach? Do they even exist other than in the booze-fogged minds of sad bastards? Has any woman ever turned, with a moan of desire on feeling her fanny cupped, and waltzed off with her cupper? I can’t imagine so.

I can imagine that these men don’t feel there’s any harm in what they’re doing, and that it’s all just a bit of a laugh when they’re out with their mates. Some of them might even be under the illusion that this is alluring behaviour. It’s probably men like these who have just helped fund, to the tune of $16,000, some douchebag called Ken Hoinsky to produce a book giving tips on how to sexually assault women.


To all the fanny cuppers out there, the next time you get the urge to stick your hand, uninvited, between a woman’s legs, resist! I can assure you that her happening to simply be in your vicinity is not an invitation to sexy-times, and forcing such contact upon her will only lead to the opinion that you’re a fuckwad like Hoinksy.

As for him, regardless of the weak statement he’s since released defending his rapey little project, I sincerely hope that the next unwitting victim of his ‘seduction techniques’ elbows him in the throat.


  1. I cannot believe this is something that seriously happens! But I'm still laughing, love the gifs. :)

    1. Sad to say, but it's true! Has happened to me more than once. Maybe it's peculiar to Janners? Reading the comment section on our local newspaper shows we seem to have a slightly higher population of knuckle-draggers than is normal...

  2. P.S. I think I may be suffering from a slight gif addiction :-D