Eddie Dunford is the crime reporter for the Yorkshire Evening Post when a little girl is found brutally murdered with swan's wings stitched into her back, and his colleague, chasing a story on corruption involving prominent local businessmen and public figures, winds up dead. Chasing the link between the two, Dunford is soon drawn ever deeper into a brutal and corrupt work of casual racism and violence, in which children wind up dead and their murderers protected, a brutal police force acts as heavies for private interests, and absolutely nobody is clean.
Incredibly bleak and depressing, I nonetheless found this compelling, especially once I had an opportunity to read uninterrupted for longer than 10 minutes, and the stream of consciousness written style, which I'd initially found jarring, worked more for me as the story progressed and Dunford became increasingly desperate. However, this approach also meant that the climax left with with a slightly vague notion of who had done what and why, although it's entirely possible that that's more my fault than the author's.
I will come back to see how this quartet progresses, but it'll definitely be after I've dabbled in the shallower, lighter end for a while...
Having been a wee bit frustrated earlier, it's time to work off that rage. So let's take a look at some of the screen kids I'd most like to slap... Joffrey Lannister Baratheon - A Game of Thrones The face that epitomises this post, I despised Joffrey with the fiery passion of a thousand suns when I first read what's been published so far of A Song of Ice & Fire. But the fantastic casting on the HBO show has ensured that while Jack Gleeson is doing a fantastically smug and sadistic job, and even though I know it isn't real, if I ever see him in the street I can't promise that I won't slap him.
Oliver Twist - Oliver! With a wet little face to match his wet little singing voice, I really can't stand Oliver, the wet little fart, and would quite happily see him banished back to Mr Bumble and the workhouse. More? I'll give you more...how about a fist sandwich, you little twerp?
Kenard - The Wire
He looks so cute, doesn't he? Appearances really are deceiving, as he's a cat-torturing, thieving little runt, and anyone who's seen Season 5 of The Wire knows exactly why KENARD MUST DIE!! Dawn Summers – Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Buffy’s Season 5 saw the introduction of little sister Dawn, in a move that had me initially thinking I’d had some sort of aneurysm and had blanked on her existence for the run of the show. Turns out that Dawn was actually a mystical key to a hell dimension, made into human form and inserted into the slayer’s life by a bunch of monks. Unfortunately for everyone, turns out those bloody monks had created one of the most irritating brats to have ever besmirched my television screen, who spent her time working my last nerve, sucking airtime from characters I did like, and making me screech at Buffy to put me out of my misery and slay the little sod already.
T.J. - The Champ
Someone only has to utter the words The Champ in my vicinity and I am instantly transformed into a snarling ball of incoherent and completely irrational rage. Not because it’s a terrible film, or because of the blatant and overbearing emotional manipulation. No, it’s the kid.
I know it seems monstrous to harbour such loathing for a such an apparently adorable watery-eyed moppet who’s just been tragically bereaved, and really have no idea what this poor kid has done to have irritated me so much. What I do know is that whenever his face appears on my screen, I want to fling things at it.
Well, there you have it - my most slappable on-screen children. And my rage has abated...
Last week Rerab informed me of the very welcome news that Breaking Bad's Saul Goodman is to get his own show, and passed on a challenge. So, for Danny, here's my list of spin-off shows I'd most like to see.
Extreme Fishing with Quint
Tune in as Quint gets drunk and tells terrifying fishing anecdotes...
I can't be the only one out there who wants to see Arrested Development's Buster Bluth show off his skills...
...and earn those Army medals.
Vinnie Van Lowe Investigates
There's more than one P.I. in Neptune (it's that kind of town). I propose that Veronica Mars' rival get his own show. We already know what the theme tune would be...
Regardless of the fact that it's, y'know...people, I'd happily tune in each week just to watch Hannibal cook...
...and drink wine. Though that might just be an excuse to post another gif of Mads...
Into The Wild with Chrissie and Paulie The Pine Barrens episode of The Sopranos gave me one of my favourite hours of TV, ever. Who needs Ray Mears when these dudes can teach you how to light fires...
...get sustenance from sachets of ketchup, and keep it together when you're lost in the woods.
Banky's Cartoon Club I can't think of anyone more appropriate to helm a Rolf-style children's art show than Chasing Amy's Banky...
Anatomy with Vince Masuka While programmes such as Channel 4's Anatomy for Beginners proved to be both informative and gross, new presenter Vince Masuka should make it both so much more informative...
4 stars When I was at school, I was under the impression that history was dreadfully boring and stuffy and loathed most of my lessons. However, having since been bitten by the history bug thanks to watching Horrible Histories and becoming completely obsessed with Hilary Mantel's Thomas Cromwell, I now lay all of the blame for that firmly at the feet of my teacher, who must have been completely inept to have made our history sound so dreary. I've now decided to embark on a bit of an odyssey through as much of our history as I can get my hands on, and if this book on Eleanor of Aquitaine is anything to go by, it should be more action-packed and full of more skullduggery, sex and murder than your average HBO show. While there is a scarcity of surviving sources of evidence on Eleanor herself, Weir did a great job of detective work and clearly undertook lots of painstaking research to be able to complile a deeply interesting and very readable account of a woman who seemed to defy certain expectations and constraints placed upon women in her time and managed to be ambitious, influential, scandalous and powerful; Queen of two countries and mother of 10 children - a greedy, squabbling, treacherous and murderous bunch of shits, rapists and assholes that make the Lannisters look like the Waltons.
Here's what I learnt: Born in 1122 into a Europe that was largely feudal, and carved out according to the military might of various nobles, Eleanor became one of the richest and most sought-after heiresses in mediaeval Europe on her father's death and, regardless of their consanguinity (i.e., being related), was soon married to the sensitive and pious Louis VII of France. Having hailed from a slightly more enlightened area in which women could inherit and govern their lands in their own right, she was soon wielding her influence over her adoring husband, much to the dismay of the clergy who'd much rather be doing the influencing and who sought successfully to curb her power. Relegated to the sphere of the domestic and married to a man so religious he barely bonked even after marriage, deeming it sinful, Eleanor was soon scandalising the French court by flirting with the many troubadours who flocked to pay her tribute.
Possibly as another means of escaping the boredom of court, when Louis decided to go on his disastrous Crusade, Eleanor chose to go with him. Unfortunately for Louis, he turned out to be a rubbish military leader with his army not only frequently deserting, but with several thousand dying of plague and starvation and 3,000 more converting to the Muslim faith. Seeking refuge with Eleanor's uncle in Antioch, it wasn't long before she and her uncle were showing signs of a relationship that wasn't strictly familial, leading her to declare her marriage consanguineous after all and demanding an annulment, and to Louis arresting her and dragging her home by force. However, following the birth of a second daughter, Louis started to agree (because God must be angry if you're just having girls, seeing as they're completely rubbish and unimportant, and only useful as future marriage pawns).
Louis' fate was truly sealed when the then Count Henry of Anjou came to pay homage for his lands of Normandy and, though 18 to Eleanor's 29, and though they were just as consanguineous as she and Louis, and though Henry's dad had already slept with her, Eleanor was prompted to speed up her annulment and, dodging the many suitors hoping to abduct and marry her by force, flee into the arms of Henry, taking with her almost half the lands of France and ensuring Henry instantly became the most powerful ruler in Europe.
Considered one of the greatest rulers of mediaeval Europe, Henry of Anjou was soon Henry II of England, and Eleanor his Queen. And though he kept a far tighter rein on her than her ex-husband ever managed, she would spend much of the time that Henry was absent from his kingdom acting as his regent, and travelling astonishing distances through the realm whipping up support, raising funds and keeping the unruly vassals of her land in hand. Little mention is then made of Eleanor for decades in official records of the time while Henry squabbled with Louis on the continent, wrangling over land and taking girls hostage for future marriages - until she gets troublesome. With the legendary charm of the Angevins, Henry put it about quite a bit - and not only with his wife, being father to loads of bastards. Having herself borne him eight children, Eleanor seems to have turned a blind eye up until after the murder of Thomas Becket, when she started cosying up to yet another Uncle (uncles were apparently catnip to mediaeval ladies) and, finally, initiated a separation with Henry. From now on they'd be living apart, with Eleanor governing certain lands in Henry's name. Taking her very favourite son, Richard, with her, Eleanor rules wisely and well over her vassals but Henry's decision to carve his empire between his surviving boys - Henry, Richard, Geoffrey and John - will be one of the worst decisions he's ever made and the frequent dickering over entitlements will turn them and their mother against him, prompting many rebellions and uprisings and causing the boys to constantly run off to Louis and his successor, Philip, causing far more trouble than he'd ever got off France alone.
Every single one of Henry and Eleanor's sons seemed to more than live up to the family legend - "from the Devil they came and to the Devil they'll return", all being slippery, ruthless, inconstant, arrogant, ambitious, smooth-talking hypocrites with nasty tempers and a prediliction for rape (especially Richard, who "carried off wives, daughters and kinswomen of his freemen by force, and made them his concubines, and when he had sated his lust on them, he handed them over to his knights for whoring" and John, from whom "not a woman was spared if he was seized by the desire to defile her in the heat of his lust")
An indulgent mother who spoilt her sons (especially Richard, whom she idolised), Eleanor sided with them against Henry, who would spend the rest of his reign uncovering their plots, skirmishing with them and their French allies, and trying to hang on to his empire while appeasing their demands and imprisoning their mother for the best part of a decade, eventually having their marriage annulled on grounds of consanguinity (there it is again, the best mediaeval excuse for being sick of your spouse). All the while, Henry is schtupping Richard's fiance, Alys of France, and postponing his son's marriage so she can have more of his bastards, sending France into frenzies. When Henry (the eldest son - the Young King) is killed, Richard becomes undisputed heir but John becomes the elder Henry's favourite. He's soon trying to give him parts of Richard's inheritance and continuing to postpone Alys's marriage, which goes down as well as you'd now expect and causes Richard to stomp off to his new best friend, Philip of France (Louis' successor) and take the Cross. Falling ill while trying to negotiate yet another truce, when Henry finds out that his new favourite John has also been plotting he loses the will to live, leaving Richard as King of England.
Instantly freeing his beloved mother, Eleanor was soon wielding her influence over her son and helping him to rule his empire galloping here, there and everywhere to keep his unruly vassals in hand and whipping up support and funds for his Crusade, as well as putting a stop for now and forever to his proposed marriage to Alys. A stranger to England (and only spending 10 months here throughout his reign) which Richard only seems to have seen as a giant cash machine to bleed dry in support of his constant warfare, Eleanor was instrumental in keeping his empire under control in his absence. With John seizing the opportunity to ride about the country courting the favour of common folk, telling people Richard would never return and plotting with Philip (Richard's former BFF, with whom he'd been scrapping ever since becoming King), Eleanor seemed to spend most of her time dashing from one end of the kingdom to the other, cleaning up the messes made by her shitty sons and trying to keep John under control.
When Richard was taken hostage while returning from his Crusade, she repeatedly had a go at the Pope for his lack of intercession and somehow managed to raise the ridiculous ransom demanded (bleeding the country dry, yet again) and secured her son's return. John wisely decided to keep a low profile on Richard's return, who continued to scrap intermittently with Philip and was eventually shot with an arrow while besieging a castle, dying with his mother at his side. John's coronation doesn't see the whole sorry saga come to a peaceful end, and Eleanor now takes up politicking on his behalf. Casting off his old wife (that dratted consanguinity again) John steals another man's 13 year old fiance who he then spends most of his time in bed with, ignoring threats from Philip and his ward, Arthur, who also has a claim to the English throne. Having to rush to Eleanor's side when her castle is besieged by Arthur, whom he takes prisoner, he makes matters even worse by his appalling treatment of his prisoners, and the apparent murder of the young Arthur. Retreating back to bed with his child-bride, he can't be bothered to rouse himself when Philip takes most of his domains and finally, at the age of 82, Eleanor dies having outlived most of her children and having seen the kingdom she helped her husbands and sons maintain virtually given away. Phew! Makes A Game of Thrones look like Watch With Mother, doesn't it? Cracking stuff, I'll be returning to Alison Weir often.
This week sees the end of an era, as Midge prepares to leave us for the greener grass of elsewhere. What an era it's been.
Eight years ago Midge came for an interview in the office where I worked as a secretary. With part of my job being trying to be nice to people while they waited for their interviews (which could be incredibly painful, at times), I was delighted to find out that they'd picked the girl I remembered as being really talkative, and rather sarcastic. Soon put together to work we've since undergone many, massive departmental changes, received promotions, moved buildings (and back again), seen tons of different colleagues come and go, and spent years at a time working alone in isolated offices together. So it was fortunate, really, that as we'd be spending upwards of 40 hours a week together, she soon became one of my besties. One of my favourite things about her is that she's not only funny when she wants to be, but especially when she doesn't mean to be. Whether it's when she's swearily sleep-talking on my sofa, accidentally calling people abusive names to their faces, or just getting all her words wrong (my favourites being the week she spent telling people she'd done something "on a quim" or describing the time she spent staying in a hostel where "the walls were made of MDMA") I spend a rather large proportion of my time in her company cackling like a loon.
Dismantling the remnants of our office this week and sharing out our glorious wall decorations has made me feel all misty eyed and nostalgic, and I'd like to take a moment to celebrate Midge and say thank you for a few things. So, sprinkled liberally with a few favourite clips and in jokes, here goes...
For the books. And the lists of books. For the sharing of the love of Anne Rice, and the sharing of the anger at Anita Blake. For the library visits and the book store binges and, most of all, for being totally cool with sitting and ignoring one another in favour of our books.
For all the lifts. And for bringing Alton Towers to everyday life in the form of her driving.
For making me try sushi.
For the unashamed love of rubbish (in my opinion) pop songs, and the complete inability to remember absolutely anything about any of them. And for the entire hour she once spent banging on about some bloke called Tim Morrison, before I realised she meant Jim.
For the impromptu dance routines, especially the ones that are in the car or include tap dance and jazz hands. And for turning Zumba class into an audition to be Ike & Tina's backing dancers.
For being the sort of person who not only encourages you to perform Superfreak at 6pm in a pub while people have their tea behind you, but gets up and does it with you.
For the being the best at meeting new people ("It's like I had an out of body experience. I watched myself behave like a maniac, and couldn't do anything to stop it.")
For all the telly watching, and for having to hide behind the cushion when True Blood gets sexy.
For being as slovenly as me and happily allowing belching in the office, and for the shared love of talking about bowel movements.
For adopting me a monkey.
For putting up with my frequent whining, and all of the unconditional support. Especially during the Age of the Vomits.
For her method of asking for food ("You cook for Midge, yes?" or, more frequently, "I ate your biscuits while you were off")
For being incredibly generous, and never being able to do enough for everyone.
For the spreading of wild rumours ("Who's that French bloke you fancy? Jacques Chirac?" I would like to go on the record as never having fancied Jacques Chirac.)
For all of the rants, and being able to swear as impressively and often as me.
For still not being able to say the name of where she's moving correctly. For many, many other things that I couldn't put up here for fear of getting both of us into tons of trouble.
And finally, for making sure that she Skypes me constantly, and remembers not to watch the Veronica Mars movie with anyone but me, and for making sure she comes home frequently and lets me come and stay whenever I want.
Some posh girl that I've never met just had a baby that I'll never meet. Aside from the fact that he's already richer than I'll ever be and won't have to work a day in his life as we're all paying for the lifestyle to which he will become accustomed...
Earlier this year I read my first Robin Hobb series - The Farseer Trilogy. Immediately won over, I've now set myself the mission of reading every Robin Hobb I can get my hands on. My second foray into her world, The Liveship Traders, did not disappoint, and soon became one of my favourite fantasy series (keeping George RR Martin and Joe Abercrombie in good company). Aside from the fantastic world built by Hobb, and the fantastic storytelling talent she brings to the table, one of the reasons I so loved this particular series was down to the women. In a genre that can quite often be something of a sausage-fest, it's both very refreshing and very awesome to come across a series that not only features a wealth of strong women but has them at the heart of the books, driving the action. Because of this, I've given this series a theme song:
Jumping up and down on my chair while twirling my bra might be a little over the top, and unpleasant for any witnesses, but it's a complete joy after also spending so much time in other genres (cough, paranormal/YA, cough) with heroines who make my shit itch. Interested? Then read on for my reviews of each book in the series... Ship of Magic (read in April 2013) A fantasy sea adventure starring Liveships - sentient ships crafted from wizardwood and each bound to a blood member of the families that own them - I wouldn't have thought I'd find myself feeling so strongly for what are, essentially, a bunch of boats, but that's where I found myself, to the point I even blubbed on their behalf on more than one occasion (especially poor, tragic Paragon). I'm even more invested in the other characters - Althea, and her quest to retrieve her rightful ship, her bullying brother-in-law Kyle and his desperately-in-need-of-a-good-slapping daughter Malta, Amber (who I desperately want to know more about), and all of the others. Not forgetting the buccaneer who'll stop at nothing to own a liveship and become King of the Pirates - Captain Kennit, who despite himself can't help but make people love him and things change for the better, all while being a manipulative, conniving, selfish and hilarious bastard. At this point, I have as big a crush on him as Etta does.
I have no idea where things are going to go from here, but I'm expecting to grin, rage and weep my way to the end just like I have in this. I'd try and eke the experience out a little, but I'm way too greedy for more. I'm rushing right back to my Kindle for the next. The Mad Ship Brilliant, for all the reason why I loved the first so much, and more. Captain Kennit finally has his hands on a liveship, and though Wintrow has his doubts Vivacia is both thrilled and enamoured with her new captain, while at home Althea embarks on a rescue mission on our other favourite liveship, and Malta is forced to grow up. As engrossing, compelling and emotional as its predecessor (including one part where I nearly threw the book across the room)...
...this entry gave us more of the bigger picture, making clear the relationship between the great sea serpents and the liveships, and making sure that all of its characters get to grow and learn while you understand things from all points of view, making the 'right' outcome very un-black and white. I'm also completely fangirling over the journeys of both Malta and Keffria - if you'd told me how much I'd love Malta after the first book I'd have laughed in your face, but Hobb has done a fantastic job of showing the growth of her character, and from beginning as a spoilt little shrew she now promises to become a truly formidable woman. On to the next! Ship of Destiny We've finally reached the end of this brilliant, emotionally bruising trilogy that I've raged, snarled and sobbed my way through. The Vivacia is still in the hands of Captain Kennit, leading Althea, Brashen and Amber to sail off in pursuit on board the Paragon. Bingtown is being torn apart by the Chalcedeans, as well as the strife between the groups of people living there, and having fled the danger there Malta now finds herself lost with the Satrap in the aftermath of the ruin of Trehaug. Laid clear is the dark truth to the relationship between the liveships and the serpents, the bond between Paragon and his missing part, and that I was a complete fool to have thought that Kennit was a fun, if bastardly, character who did good things accidentally, as he crossed the line into you're-dead-to-me bastardry.
This series was very well put together with a world and characters that felt real (even if I didn't like them all), to the point that while reading these books I've turned into a little ball of stress and anger, railing at every injustice I come across. A big investment, both time-wise (these are big, fat books) and emotionally (see above), I highly recommend this series. I'll be coming back to Robin Hobb as often as I can.
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