1 star By and large, I think J.G. Ballard is awesome, with everything of his I'd read to date being a real treat. Sadly, such things can never last... Flying at least 100 feet above my head at all times, this book mostly made me feel like a complete dumbass. I understood the meaning of individual words, sentences, and even the occasional paragraph, but as a whole? I know it's got something to do with sex and car crashes, but after that...
...I'm out. Actually, that's not quite true. There's also something to do with space and time, the Kennedy assassination and the cult of celebrity, but quite what that is, erm... I've since discovered, thanks to the intervention of a sympathetic friend (and the author's note, at the very end of the book - which was helpful) that this wasn't intended to be read in a linear fashion but dipped into randomly, as well as having accompanying art work. Clearly, buying this for my Kindle was something of a mistake and the fact that I did read it linearly, with no accompanying imagery (which may have shed some light on certain passages) meant it was a very fractured reading experience, with the occasional flashes of brilliance only making the rest seem even more foggily hallucinatory.
If it hadn't been for the notes at the end of each chapter I'd have been lost entirely, and I clung to these like a life-boat. I can't believe I'm giving a Ballard book such a shitty rating and it's tempting to pretend that I'm smarter than I am, but while the notes were a constant source of interesting thoughts and observances, and while the seeds of some of Ballard's later work were clearly planted here, I can't honestly say I understood, or enjoyed it.
I don’t go to many boozers these days due to the combination of a stomach condition, not needing to find someone to get laid, laziness and being older than I once was, but there are still lots of screen boozers I’d like to visit, given the chance. So, to tide me over until I can get to the cinema, why not take a look at some?
The Winchester - Shaun of the Dead
Who wouldn’t want to go to the Winchester? There are a bunch of colourful locals, a good selection of bar snacks, a decent jukebox and a gun above the bar in case of a zombie apocalypse (although we’re not using the zed-word). Forget what Liz says Shaun, I think this is a great plan...
There used to be a time that I wanted to visit McClarens so I could hang out with the gang, and maybe see some cool pencil miracles while I was there...
I still want to visit McClarens, but now I’d simply stomp in, kick Moseby in the nuts and yell at him for a) the suckiness of the past few seasons, and b) for having spent the last few years telling his kids how in love he is/was with their Aunt Robin, and that they’re only really on this earth due to his settling for their mother once Robin was no longer available. You suck, Schmoseby.
The Titty Twister - From Dusk Till Dawn
OK, so the likelihood of my making it out alive is very slim, but that would make a brilliant excuse to not go into work the following Monday. Catering to bikers and truckers (does our Transporter count?), the Titty Twister boasts Cheech Marin on the door, a brilliant house band, and Danny Trejo tending bar. And we already know how I feel about him. Yep, visiting the Titty Twister would most definitely be worth it. Besides, with an invite like this, how could you say no?!
Now sadly destroyed (first by Gunn’s old friends, and then permanently by Holtz – yet more reason to hate him, as if there weren’t enough already) Caritas once provided a sanctuary to the denizens of Los Angeles – human or demon, good or evil, as violence was not only forbidden but prevented by a magical spell, with karaoke taking its place. Hosted by the fabulous Lorne, who can read your future while you sing, don’t worry if you’re the shy, non-singing type. You can always just sit back, relax, and make fun of everyone else’s singing instead.
The Slaughtered Lamb - An American Werewolf in London
On first glance you might think I was mental for wanting to visit this pub, situated as it is in the middle of a werewolf haunted moor. And if you were looking at it from the perspective of David and Jack, you’d be right. But I’ve got a strong regional accent, and think that evenings spent putting the wind up American tourists could be a lot of fun.
At first I considered visiting Merlotte’s, but other than to try Lafayette’s food I can’t think of any other reason to visit. Fangtasia, on the other hand, offers vampire go-go dancers, the possibility of an Eric Northman sighting and the opportunity to hook up with a vampire, should that be your thing. Best of all, it also offers the chance to be bitched out by Pam. Count me in.
Another deadly bar and one I’d be highly unlikely to even make it into (unless I was a prostitute) let alone back out again, but I think the prospect of meeting so many iconic American figures, as well as drinking with Ellsworth, learning new swear words with Trixie, being seen to by Doc and indulging my strange crush on Dan Dority, before getting some life advice from Al Swearengen, would be more than worth the risk.
More drinks have probably been served in Hawkeye’s tent than in all the other boozers on this list, and I’d love to stretch out on one of those camp beds, Martini in hand, and be regaled by Hawkeye and Trapper, though I would appreciate being sent to the version in which Trapper is Elliot Gould.
1 star A Dark Kiss of Rapture? A Quick Bit of Bollock-All, more like - writing this review will probably take me longer than my reading did. How this has managed to get an average rating of 3.68 on Goodreads is beyond me - I can only imagine that there are an awful lot of significantly time challenged and very easily pleased people out there. This would appear to be a taster for Day's Renegade Angels series, but instead of building my appetite it's put me off entirely.
Raze is one of the Fallen - former angels who lost their wings and became vampires. Now roaming earth, the Fallen are policed by the Sentinels (angels) and their lycan backup squad, while also apparently being engaged in some sort of face-off with a bunch of rogue vampires and their minions. I've no idea why I'm explaining this to you as it's barely important other than for a quick couple of scenes in which baddies are dispatched easily, but I expect this will also be the back story to future books in the series. Just about the only thing I found interesting in this entire set up was the fact that Raze and his Fallen pals apparently all chose their own names when they came to earth. Considering that they're got such naff names as Raze, Crash, Salem and Torque, one can only assume that fallen angels are actually teenage girls.
Raze is a womaniser and has never understood his Fallen friends taking mates - until he meets Kim, that is, a "prime choice female" (ugh) with whom he falls in insta-love after she picks him up in a bar. Soon they're both gazing at one another with need and sensing what movies the other will like, because when you fall in love with someone that apparently happens, along with you both enjoying exactly the same things. (This is news to me, as my partner of 15 years wouldn't be caught dead watching Jersey Shore, loves football and the sort of music which I think sounds like a CD jumping. But I digress...) Now Raze must protect the woman he loves from becoming his enemies' target...apparently. We wouldn't really know as the bloody novella ends as soon as this comes up. And for a novella that promises to be erotic, it's not like we even got any good sex scenes in the meantime as each time we built up to the moment, we'd suddenly be whisked away to give our couple some privacy.
At one point Kim muses on a film they're about to watch, which stars fallen angels. Raze's wondering if they're vampires too, prompts her to say: "That might actually be a cool story. Maybe some werewolves too? Like Underworld with angels? Could be interesting."
To this I reply: "Not fucking likely, if this is anything to go by."
The more time I spend in the company of Aubrey and Maturin, the more enamoured I become - it's rapidly become one of my biggest pleasures to run off to sea with them whenever life is a little trying. I've still no idea what in the gibbering flip is being said whenever we start in with the mizens and stuns'ls, but somehow I'm still managing to follow what's happening in those brilliant storms, chases and sea battles, and loving every second of it.
I loved this instalment even more than previously, as we climb aboard the HMS Surprise and head off to India, but not before stopping off in a number of other places for the wonderful Dr Maturin to indulge in his passion - whether that be natural history, or that bloody Villiers woman. Quite a large part of the focus in this book is Stephen and I think it's all the better for it. I could spend entire chapters reading of nothing but him being brilliant and bitchy - though that isn't his only charm. By this point I have become a total Maturin fan-girl, and spend most of my time now reading like this:
I'm about one book away from doodling his name on my pencil case...
Elsewhere, we get some nicely contemplative and emotional moments in amongst the thunder of the waves and the guns, such as Jack's quiet unease at the efficient killing during a battle and his white-washing of it in his letter home, and the culmination of Stephen's friendship with little Dil. The small glimpses into how certain things were viewed and tolerated, or not, in society at that point are also always interesting, with the view of Diana Villiers by 'polite' society contrasting with the rampant racism and routine offers of young children to do with as you wish...
The end of each of these books always comes too soon for me, so I'm very glad to see it's such a long series, ensuring I have a reliable reading refuge for a very long time to come.
It's been a while since we had a list and as my brain is buzzing with bees thanks to a severe case of the sniffles, making it hard to think, why not take a look at some pretty instead as I continue my trawl through my Freebie 5's? This time around, it's the Over 50 Edition. I've always had a thing for a man with a few years on him, and over the years it's become even more likely that the objects of my lust are men who've already reached half a century. Below are my favourites.
Iggy Pop (born 1947)
I’ve had a thing for Iggy since I was a teenager, and no number of dodgy insurance adverts is ever going to change that. Look at him….
You just know he’d be ever so filthy, and ever so much fun. (P.S. The first person to comment disparagingly on his wrinkles wins the chance to post a shirtless picture of themselves here, on the occasion of their 66th birthday).
Bill Murray (born 1950)
I first fell in love with Bill Murray as a little girl, watching Ghostbusters, and it’s a crush that’s only got worse with time. Funny is most definitely sexy, and Bill Murray is hilarious.
Danny Trejo (born 1944)
One of the actors guaranteed to get my money, no matter what, Danny Trejo has one of the most wonderful faces I’ve ever seen. I like men who look like they’ve really lived, and you can’t deny that there’s an awful lot of life here. I want to live in those bags…
Clancy Brown (born 1959)
Clancy Brown is a god. I’ve watched any number of terrible films over the years just because Clancy was in them, and I don’t regret a single second. And while I’ll never find him more attractive than when he’s like this...
…I don’t really need to see him either. That wonderful, rumbling voice could make things happen all on its own, which makes the fact that he provides voice-work for children's shows a little strange for me.
Viggo Mortensen (born 1958)
It’s positively indecent that one man can be so talented. As well as acting, Viggo Mortensen is a painter, poet, photographer and musician. Looking fantastic whether he's opening a door handsomely or baring all for his art, even a combination of every single apparently hot actor under 50 would find themselves outscorched in comparison.
Well, those are my favourite half-centurians. Who are yours?
A bittersweet, bruising and beautiful story set at an ugly time - in the heart of Nazi Germany - offering a fresh perspective and rather aptly narrated by Death himself.
I've read lots of accounts of and novels set in and around the Second World War, and it's easy to make the assumption that every German at that time was a hate-filled monster, eager to assert their authority over the world and clamouring for the deaths of millions. As this story ably demonstrates, the truth is far from being that simple.
Completely engrossing with a poetic and extremely effective child-like narration, I fell well and truly under this book's spell to the point that the wonderful characters soon felt like real people (like Death, Rudy does something to me and I too think that I love him), and I soon found myself reading while the pages swam and I sucked in great, shuddering breaths.
I won't do the story justice by attempting to sum it up here, so I'll simply tell you it's one of the most powerful books I've read in a long while and implore you to pick it up yourself.
You should do so even more quickly now that the trailer has been released for the movie adaptation. Will they do it justice? Starring Geoffrey Rush and Emily Watson, which gives me hope, the fact that it's apparently from the same studio that made Life of Pi makes me a little nervous (I should probably state here that I haven't actually seen Life of Pi yet as just the trailer alone made me want to vomit). The trailer for The Book Thief is far less shudder-inducing (right up until the voiceover) and is below - judge for yourselves.
I actually read this trilogy a few years ago, but as many of my friends are always looking for fantasy recommendations, it seemed time to talk about The Bartimaeus Trilogy.
A series for young adults, don't let that put you off. Packing in far more humour, action and emotion that many books for adults, I loved virtually every second of this fantastic series, and especially adored the titular Bartimaeus,a rather sarcastic djinni who rather quickly became one of my all-time favourite characters.
Interested? Then read on for my reviews...
The Amulet of Samarkand - 5 stars
Elevated from a 4 to a 5 through the use of sarcastic footnotes and the snarky attitude of Bartimaeus, one of my new favourite book characters.
Nathaniel is a young magician's apprentice who, after summoning a djinni (the aforementioned Bartimaeus) to enact a boyish revenge on Simon Lovelace (a powerful magician), is drawn into a conspiracy against the Government from which he'll need all the help Bartimaeus can reluctantly provide in order to stay alive.
Told from the alternating viewpoints of our two main characters, both have strong voices and those concerning Nathaniel help to ensure you empathise with the kid following his stingy upbringing at the hands of Underwood, his master, even when some of his behaviour is brattish. I liked that this was included, as he wasn't just the perfect hero but a (relatively) normal kid trying to make his place in the world. The parts from Bartimaeus' point of view are laugh out loud funny, and I loved all of his sardonic asides regarding other demons, events and human behaviour. It's this element which helps makes this the kind of book that you could easily pick up and re-read numerous times.
The Golem's Eye - 4 stars
A couple of years have passed since the events of The Amulet of Samarkand and Nathaniel has risen quickly through the ranks at Westminster, as well as growing to be considerably more of an arrogant, ambitious, selfish and snobby clot (much to Bartimaeus's disgust, and mine).
As a part of the Internal Affairs division of the Government, Nathaniel is charged with bringing down the Resistance (opposing the rule of the corrupt magicians, though a rather small scale operation). To make matters worse, a Golem is raging through London...
I enjoyed the development of the more unsavoury elements of Nathaniel's character, which was quite fitting considering his company at Westminster, even while cursing him and hoping he got knocked down a peg or two, and relished the expansion of the character of Kitty who gave us the commoners' perspective of life under the magicians' rule, as well as providing us with a human to root for.
However, once again the show is well and truly stolen by Bartimaeus (he would be pleased to know!) I'm itching to know how the final part of the story will unfold and hope that he and Kitty will become friends, teach Nathaniel the error of his ways, and see off the prigs in the Government!
Ptolemy's Gate - 5 stars
Excuse me a moment, I have something in my eye...
In an extremely well earned pay-off to the Bartimaeus trilogy, everything is wrapped up beautifully in this final instalment weaving in elements from the preceding volumes and finishing with an affecting act of heroism.
When we begin, Bartimaeus has been serving Nathaniel ceaselessly for a couple of years and, as such, is in a sorry state, whilst Nathaniel grows increasingly disillusioned with his life and position and Kitty has been working on a project of her own. Soon, all three must work together to battle a new, terrifying threat to London and the rest of humanity.
We get far more of Bartimaeus in this than in The Golem's Eye, which in my mind is only ever a good thing, and the humour employed is enough to stop any emotional moments tipping into sentimentality - towards the end I frequently laughed while nursing a large lump in my throat.
I loved the progression of the characters; Nathaniel's disillusionment doesn't feel forced in any way, and the deepening relationships also provide some surprisingly touching moments (particularly in the case of Bartimaeus and, well, anyone).
Thrilling, funny and heroic, I recommend this trilogy to fantasy fans of all ages.
Since I read the above, a new entry has been published in the Bartimaeus series - a prequel to the series set in Jerusalem at the time of King Solomon...don't worry, I read that one for you too.
The Ring of Solomon - 4 stars
Ah, Bartimaeus. How I'd missed you with your smart mouth and sarcastic footnotes. It's good to have you back.
My favourite djinn was always telling whoever would listen about what great feats he'd pulled off and events he'd taken part in. Luckily for us, we now get to read about those too as we catch up with him in Jerusalem, bound to one of King Solomon's magicians. And soon up to his essence in all manner of trouble.
As laugh out loud funny as he's ever been, I loved every minute of being back in Bartimaeus' company. While there was the odd slight lull whenever we weren't with him it wasn't enough to stop me from savouring every second, and not wanting it to finish.
If anyone is taking count, I vote for more Bartimaeus in my reading future. Make it happen, Stroud!
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