Friday, 4 October 2013

That's a mighty fine hat...

My name is TheShitWizard, and I have a hat problem – problem being that whenever I wear one I look an absolute tool. How I’d love to float about in the summer in a floppy sunhat, have a deerstalker warm my cheeks in the winter, or hide under a beanie whenever I’m having a bad hair day, but I can’t. Or, I can – but not without looking like a pin-headed, big-cheeked, no-haired victim of something terminal.

It wouldn’t be so bad if hats weren’t so ruddy fantastic. Don’t believe me? Then take a look at my favourite screen hats and see if I’m wrong.

(Note: Jack Sparrow will not be featuring, despite pirate hats being fucking awesome, due to the Pirates... sequels being crap and my ongoing irrational hatred of Johnny Depp's belief that you can never wear too many scarves. That'll learn 'im)

10. Eliza Doolittle (Audrey Hepburn) – My Fair Lady

I’ve never really fancied the idea of a day at the races, as I’m not really that keen on getting poshed up and wearing a giant hat could only exaggerate my already colossal hat-wearing flaws, but if I really had to, I’d love to go full My Fair Lady.

Starring not just one, not two, but many hats, this one is at least half as big as Audrey herself – and the scene absolute proof that you can take the girl out of Belliver but…

9. Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor) – Superman III

Have I ever mentioned that I loathe the Superman films? As far as I’m concerned there’s only a couple of reasons why anyone should bother watching them – and Richard Pryor’s hat is one of them (the other reasons are Richard himself, and Superman II’s General Zod).

If you’re going to wear a hat you may as well make sure it’s one people will definitely notice. Pairing it with an awesome blue checked suit is just the icing on the cake.

8. Bonnie Parker (Faye Dunaway) – Bonnie & Clyde

Usually I would tell you that the only acceptable beret is a Raspberry one, but Faye Dunaway proves to be the exception to this rule.

This entire film is clothes porn if you ask me. ..I will never, ever look this good in anything *sigh*

7. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) – All the Indiana Jones films

Unlike many hats, if you threw this one into a crowded room, absolutely everybody would be able to tell you who it belongs to. And if they couldn’t, I wouldn’t want to know them anyway.

While, to the naked eye, there’s nothing really that special about it, it’s travelled the world seeking treasures and dodging booby traps, fighting off Nazis, rip-your-heart-out cults, aliens, and snakes all the while. And it does it all while looking damn fine.

6. Jake & Elwood Blues (Dan Ackroyd & John Belushi) – The Blues Brothers

There’s a reason why many blokes, given a choice of fancy dress costumes, will always plump for The Blues Brothers – not only can anyone can wear a black suit and shades, but throw on a black fedora and your outfit has just rocketed up to awesome. After all, if it works for Dan Ackroyd and John Belushi (neither of them known outside of this film for looking particularly cool) then there’s hope for the rest of us.

This hat has the additional bonus of staying on when dancing.

5. Slash (Guns N Roses)

Whilst this hat hasn’t starred in any movies (to my knowledge), it’s been a star of the stage and small-screen for decades. It is entirely possible that this hat is magic – not only possessing life-prolonging properties (how many times is Slash supposed to have died?) but also allowing its wearer to walk on water (see below).

Whatever the case, magic or not, I think we can all agree that this hat is awesome.

4. Annie Hall (Diane Keaton) – Annie Hall

This outfit is one of my most-wanted of all time, and I've lost count of the times I have searched a department store from top to bottom hunting for an Annie Hall hat. Sadly, dressing like this doesn’t make me look like Diane Keaton, but like a young boy on his way home from school.

3. Jayne Cobb (Adam Baldwin) – Firefly

At first look you’re probably thinking ‘Really? A woolly hat?”, but that’s likely because you need to go and watch Firefly. Now.

Now you get it, don’t you? That’s right, this hat is badass. As Wash eloquently explains for those of you who didn’t run off to watch it immediately:

“Man walks down the street in that hat, people know he’s not afraid of anything.”

2. Simon Adebisi (Adewale Akinnouye-Agbaje) – Oz

Again, at first glance you may think I was slightly strange for rating this hat so highly, or that I was at least letting the hotness of the wearer sway me. But if you’ve ever sat through an episode of Oz, you’ll understand just what makes this hat so fantastic. If you haven’t, let me explain.

Never simply pulled over the head, this hat always sits at the same jaunty and gravity-defying angle. Even through a riot. Or when shanking people. It even stays there when Adebisi sleeps, and is never smushed on waking. How does it never fall off? Is it velcroed? Is it a part of him? It’s one of life’s eternal mysteries.

1. Bill the Butcher (Daniel Day-Lewis) – Gangs of New York

Bill the Butcher’s not just a dab hand with a knife, he knows his way around a wardrobe too. Oozing style, even down to his choice of false eye, Gangs of New York is one long parade of Bill’s fantastic outfits, topped with even more fantastic hats. The most fantastic? This one.

That's it, I'm off to try on all of NikNak's hats again.

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