The Don't Bother Bin: Ravens

by George Dawes Green - 1 star

Halfway through reading this book, I put it down for 5 days to attend a music festival. As an illustration of just how much I wasn't enjoying it, I wasn't remotely bothered by having to stop halfway through, didn't think of it once while I was away, and was actually pretty disgruntled when I returned and remembered I hadn't finished it yet. The second half didn't change this in any way.

Tara's family, including younger non-entity brother Jase, alcoholic mum Patsy and god-bothering Dad Mitch, have just won the lottery. All $318 million of it. But it won't be theirs for long as Shaw and Romeo, two former IT techs trying to escape their dull lives, have heard about their win and Shaw hatches a plan. He'll take the family hostage, while Romeo roams the night intent on killing everyone they love if the family doesn't hand over half their winnings. Which Shaw wants to then give away.

The family happily complies without any fight while the female side sorta falls for Shaw, and the public start seeing him as some sort of Jesus figure when he announces his intentions to give his 'winnings' away. Until Shaw doesn't answer one of Romeo's calls due to an accident, which is the signal for him to start killing.

This was all over the shop, seemingly unable to decide what kind of book it wanted to be, and settling for being uneven and completely implausible. Characters make strange decisions and behave in ways that no person would, and no real effort is put into making the reader feel that those thoughts and actions make sense. When Shaw first tells Romeo of his plan, he simply accepts it. I've been a bored IT person, and I love my friends, but I imagine that if one of them asked me to kill a stranger's entire family so they could give away some money I'd have a little more to say about it than "OK then."

As for the family, if someone had taken mine hostage and told me there was a crazed killer roaming around waiting to kill the rest of my loved ones, I wouldn't spend my time on the internet looking at mansions. As soon as the kidnapper fell asleep (which he does, a few times, without his plan falling apart), I'd be straight on the blower to my mates and the police, before making sure my kidnapper didn't wake up again. And if the crazed killer finally turned up, I wouldn't follow his instructions to shoot someone in the face.

But maybe that's just me...

Green Man 2013

5 days of heavy drinking, eating churros, dodging wasps, grooving whilst sitting down and annoying our vanny neighbours, and I'm back. Did you miss me?

Tomorrow I come back to reality with a bump, as I head into the office to wade through the thousands of complaints which have no doubt flooded in due to my absence, but for today I get to sit on my backside luxuriating in the bliss of still not being at work and looking fondly back over our festival shenanigans.

The musical highlight of the festival was undoubtedly Steve Mason (former front-man of The Beta Band) who lit up the Far Out Stage on Saturday night. Some very twatted male members of the audience helped make this even more memorable by attempting to perfect the Dirty Dancing lift throughout.

Food highlight was the awesome Pie Minister (NikNak's still waxing rhapsodic about his pie with mash, gravy, mushy peas and roasted shallots).

The drink highlight was a tie - Chai Wallah did an excellent mango, berry, banana and rum smoothie, but the Rum Shack did a great Redleg Libre, and had a pet wasp called Wesley.

The annoyance highlight of the festival was the overly dramatic girl stood by my shoulder as the Green Man burned on Sunday night, going "Oh wow!! Oh wow!! Oh wow!! I can see his hands!!"

Best festival game was undoubtedly Weekend Wee Wars (how quickly can YOU fill a Travel John?!) but Penis Bridge Wars came a close second (and was decisively won by Rerab).

As for the conversational highlights, there were many. My personal favourite was that being held by NikNak and Rerab as I snoozed next to them - a very long and involved discussion of The Smell Matrix, which would apparently be starring John Ch-Churro.

Other memorable moments included:

Zombie scientist to NikNak: "Thank you for not wasting my time putting faeces into a sentence."

"He looked exactly like almost like my trainer." - TheShitWizard on the Zombie scientist.

"Yay! It's Nick Berry!" - Rerab as Matt Berry arrived onstage.

"I want to die alone, like people in Middlesborough" - man onstage, apparently having some sort of existential crisis.

"I'm gonna brush my teeth with Mojitos" - TheShitWizard on festival hygiene.

"I could do without the bottom half of my legs" - NikNak

Rerab to NikNak: "Go to sleep, tiny pole dancer."

"I've got a monocle of light" - Rerab

"First I lived in Edinburgh, then I moved to Dundee. When I was 14, I moved to Glasgow. How about that, people?" - Edwyn Collins shows off his sparkling repartee.

"Was that a dying yak? Maybe I was the dying yak. Nah....Edwyn Collins is the yak" - NikNak.

Rerab: "When S&J went to Glastonbury recently they had............"
NikNak: "...words?"

TheShitWizard to Rerab: "I can't believe me and you ate half a Keef each last night."

"I'm gonna do a cartoon smell follow." - NikNak

"It would be great if they had chairs at restaurants." - Rerab

NikNak: "Why don't your feet mind as much as your head?"
Rerab: "What, hats?"

"Shoe hats? Shwatts?" - Rerab

NikNak: "He just looked at you like you were mental."
TheShitWizard: "I don't care. Where's he from, the gym?"

"Shush my little face" - NikNak

NikNak: "Where's Rerab?"
TheShitWizard: "Over there. She's the one the paramedics are staring at."

"I can't even handle a Capri-Sun" - Rerab

Bloodthirsty, by Flynn Meaney

4.5 stars

Fifteen-year-old Finbar Frame is not very like his twin brother, Luke. Where Luke is a popular, handsome school sports star who frequently finds girls flinging themselves at him, Finbar is skinny, deadly pale and allergic to the sun, and the only women he gets to spend any real time with are librarians and his mum.

Noticing how girls tend to go a little nutty over vampires, on starting at a new school Finbar comes up with a plan in which his previously 'unattractive' attributes will work for him. He'll become a vampire. 

I picked this up completely randomly without having read so much as the back blurb, and am so glad that I did. Having no real idea of what I was in for, it was therefore a brilliant and delighting surprise to find a central premise that was so refreshingly different in a genre that's become clogged with tortured souls and heaving busoms. Having read more than a few of the series that Finbar takes inspiration from, I found his attempts to remodel himself endlessly amusing (especially thanks to his slightly snarky narration) and endearing at the same time.

Having previously never heard of the writer, I'll be keeping my eyes peeled for more of Meaney's work in the future.

The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out Of The Window And Disappeared

by Jonas Jonasson - 3.5 stars

Having decided that if he's going to live he might as well live, on his 100th birthday Allan Karlsson slips quietly through the window of his nursing home and shuffles off into adventure. A rather slow-paced adventure - Allan is 100 years old after all - but a lovely one nonetheless, despite the fact that it's something of a criminal one which will see Allan become involved with a suitcase full of stolen money, rubbish police, violent but thick biker gangs, a thief, and an elephant, amongst other things.

While Allan is on his adventure, we take some stops through his actually rather eventful and Forrest Gump-y life, as his talent for blowing things up combined with his simple practicality soon see him interacting with and influencing important men and events in modern history.

I wanted light and amusing, and got it here with an added dash of quirk. It won't work for everyone - I can certainly imagine that in the wrong mood what charmed me here could have irritated instead - but it certainly put a smile on my face for a couple of days.

Last day of work!

Having spent the last two weeks unsuccessfully fending off phone calls and more work... 

I am immensely pleased to report that this is my LAST DAY TIL NEXT WEDNESDAY!!

Happily for you all that doesn't mean I'll be filling your feeds with my gibbering as, happily for me, I shall be getting well and truly mullered in some Welsh fields instead. 

Come 5pm today, this shall be me:

You're freaking me out!

Today I've been learning all about (amongst many other things) manual handling and basic life support. Of course, learning about these types of things naturally leads to conversations about things like cracking ribs, what the discs in your spine are made of and the sort of damage they're subjected to. As I'm secretly a sensitive little soul, this type of thing tends to make me feel all weak and floppy, although my sensitivity is not limited to ribs and spines. There are plenty of things out there which give me a serious case of the wiggins so, in a mini attempt at some aversion therapy, let's take a look at some...


Creepy kids

We've already established that I'm not predisposed to feel kindly towards movie children. But the creepy ones are even worse, whether they be ghosts, demons or mediums, boys or girls - as long as they're pre-teen, all it takes is a head tilt and a weird line delivery and I'm scrambling for a cushion to protect me. Throw in a head full of teeth when your back is turned, and all sense entirely deserts me.

Mice

I'd always thought I was quite cool when it came to nature, and that people who screeched over mice were attention-seeking tits. Until one ran over my bare foot in the living room of my first flat and climbed the wall-hanging I was standing next to (I don't know why this bit felt so much more horrific, but I'm shuddering even as I type), instantly turning me into a cartoon lady who spent the next hour climbing the furniture and shrieking in tongues.

That was just one of the little horrors. Imagine opening your barn door to find millions of them pouring out...

Shutting bathroom mirrors in movies

Although it's a complete cliche, nothing makes me jump more than the old 'see someone in the mirror' bit.  

I've now come to expect this every time someone shuts a bathroom mirror in a movie. To NikNak's dismay, this doesn't mean that it no longer freaks me out, but that I get tense and yell whether someone's there or not.

The sea

I love watching the ocean, whether it be in person or on the telly, but being in it makes me very, very nervous. I don't have to be in particularly deep either for my heart to start racing, as anyone who's seen me yelp at a piece of seaweed or a tiny fish brushing my foot can attest, but coax me out a little further and things start to get interesting.

Snorkelling once on holiday, I'd been under the surface for barely five seconds when NikNak's air bubble brushed my face, and I clawed his mask off in my haste to escape. A view like this only ever makes me think of all the ways in which I'm about to die. Get me out. NOW.

Existenz back portals

Whilst enjoying it, I still spent most of my time watching Existenz battling a severe case of the heebie-jeebies, thanks to those squicky back portals. I'm even doing it now, just thinking about them. I just...can't...

Injections

Both in movies and in real life, I have a thing about injections. Considering I seem to be able to get tattooed with no problem, I have no idea what it is about injections that makes me so prone to passing out, squeezing people's hands hard enough to crush them, or crying. Or sometimes all three. Hollywood's love of showing me intravenous drug use in intimate detail therefore ensures that I get to have frequent conniptions without having to go anywhere near a doctor's office.

Space

I watch an awful lot of sci-fi, which is only really surprising if you know how disturbing I find the idea of people floating about in space. Those people being in a space-ship is wibble-inducing enough, but being outside the space-ship? Just drifting, or worse...twirling off into nothing, induces a mind-bending, eye-rolling, sweat-inducing terror that means I'm probably not going to be able to make it through the upcoming Gravity without medical assistance.

Scenes featuring cut wrists

I'm usually pretty immune to movie violence and can watch the goriest, bloodiest stuff going with barely a whimper. Except when it comes to wrists. Any scene in which someone's wrists are cut immediately makes the room get a little bit fuzzier and far away. If it's in a bath-tub? Game over. I can't bring myself to post a gif.

The Thing under the bed

It doesn't matter that I'm now 34 and that the base of my bed actually touches the floor, I still find myself jumping the last bit just in case the thing under the bed gets me. 

And worst of all...

Yikes.

That's it, I need a stiff drink...

Bones of Faerie, by Janni Lee Simner

3 stars

I really rather enjoyed this post-apocalyptic take on magic, in a world that's been left devastated by the War between humankind and Faerie. While Faerie hasn't been seen since, it's left it's mark on the world and in Franklin Falls, home to 15 year old Liza, everyone knows that you don't venture out alone after dark, you stay away from the trees, and those that are touched by magic are a danger that can only be dealt with one way.

With Liza's father being her village's leading zealot, when she starts showing signs of magic she has no choice but to flee home and enter the wild and dangerous world.

From being caught by the creepy and tantalising opening, I read this in virtually one sitting, and while it wasn't particularly challenging I enjoyed the world built, and the ways in which it had changed since Before. I loved the idea of all the vicious plants, moaning harvests and hissing shadows, and was also glad to be in the company of a YA heroine who wasn't clumsy, self-obsessed, whiny or stupid.

It was easy to predict certain things and there was nothing particularly mind-blowing about the plot, but I enjoyed sitting back and relaxing into it for a while, and wound up being pretty decently entertained.