Wanna know who I met yesterday?

This is Neil Gaiman...

This is The Ocean At The End Of The Lane...

And this is me...

The Rag: Winter/Spring 2013

4 stars

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An electronic magazine featuring short stories, poetry and art, this issue looks at the idea of morality and explores some characters and situations with a slightly unusual edge. Starting out strong with Memento Mori, which effectively set out the magazine's stall - you know that from here on out you're in for something thought-provoking and morally murky, with strong voices and a strange beauty - each piece maintained the standards of the last and made sure that even the odd piece that didn't quite interest me still wasn't a particularly low point.

As with other collections I've read, I preferred the short stories to the poetry (though that's due simply to my preference for that medium rather than any issue of quality on display) and I loved the artwork (making me think of fairy tales, though in their original forms rather than the Disney versions).

Stand-outs for me were Yes Officer, Zeke Stargazing and The Girl With Pretension In Her Hair, and I noted that some of the work within was the first time particular writers had been published. Based on the strength of this, I doubt it will be the last.

**Note: I received a free copy of this publication in exchange for an honest review.**

The Secret History by Donna Tartt

5 stars

From the very first sentence of this book, I was hooked - desperate to know how and why we'd got to this point. The rest of the book was a slow build of world and information, written beautifully (so many lines jumped off the page at me, it's impossible to pick a favourite), that had me gripped from start to finish.

When Richard Papen arrives at Hampden, an elite New England college, he's immediately drawn to five friends - all students in an exclusive class to which he's desperate for entry - all eccentric, wealthy (if shabbily so) and surrounded by an air of glamour and mystery. Obfuscating (or plain lying) about his background and finances, Richard is soon drawn into the group and, eventually, their plot.

Playing with lots of ideas about the truth versus our perception of it, Richard would see the social veneers rather than what lies beneath and we go along with him for the ride, trying to glean the truth of his situation through the snatches of overheard conversations whispered outside doors, inside jokes and noises in the night, as Richard trudges through a world often shrouded in fog. When the truth, or a version that's been given to Richard, comes to light all of those solid friendships and ideas of who people are suddenly wobble and collapse and we're left with paranoia, bitterness, jealousy and fear.

Though this world is a million miles away from mine - not only did I not go to University but my 6th form college friends and I were more likely to be found haunting greasy spoon cafes, sailors pubs and '£1 a pint' nights at JFK's (a local rock club) in the company of others like us from poor to average working class backgrounds (none of Grandmother's mink and Mother's pills for us!) - it all felt very real to me and I found myself feeling as betrayed as Bunny at times by these friends of mine.

Beautifully written, fantastically plotted, peopled with extremely memorable characters (Bunny in particular really jumps off the page) and very, very interesting, I highly commend this to all.

The Don't Bother Bin - The Fall of Arthur

by JRR Tolkien, edited by Christopher Tolkien - 2 stars

It kills me that I'm doing this, it really does, but I can't let my being a fangirl blind me to the truth and so, here we are.

I've always been a voracious reader, and the more eagle-eyed among you will know that my drug of choice is fantasy (with a sprinkling of paranormal). Like many people, Lord of the Rings was my gateway drug. Most people I know read LOTR when they were growing up. Unlike most people, I was rather a late starter and so it wasn't until I was nearly 20, when NikNak passed me a copy of Fellowship of the Ring with an exasperated "I can't believe you've never read this", that my reading world opened up.

After yearly re-reads and losing myself in the many supplementary works of Tolkien, I've since moved on to other fantasy worlds, but LOTR will always remain my first love. So it should come as no surprise that, some time last week, I lost my shit when someone posted a link to this release. I'd had no idea it was in the offing, and sped on over to Amazon where I spunked away £9 for instant delivery to my Kindle. That's right, £9. And I still felt like The Dude.

I feel a little swindled, as it turns out that the long abandoned, unfinished and previously unreleased work only took up about 30% of the book, with the rest being essays and notes by his son Christopher, designed to shine a little light on and place the poem in context (and pad the book enough to justify the price - but a rant on the great Kindle Swindle is probably best left for another day).

Apparently an alliterative Old English poem, I wouldn't know one of those if it walked up and alliterated in my face, but I can say it was somewhat effective (when I understood it) - Arthur seems to be battling some desolate, wind-driven landscape in a foreign campaign while Guinevere (who's given short shrift for being such a tempting slut) is menaced by Mordred, who is trying to take over Arthur's kingdom. Meanwhile Lancelot sulks across the water, waiting for a summons from King or Queen that never comes. If the poem had been finished I imagine it would have made for a good telling of the back-end of the Arthur legend. But it's not finished, and so didn't really do much else for me.

Reading the other 70% felt a little like this:

While Christopher's contributions were helpful when it came to looking at the poem in the context of the Arthurian tradition, and the similarities between Avalon and Tol Eressea, when it came to the evolution of the poem it nearly sent me to sleep.

Oh well, one to learn from then....and I'll head to the library for any future releases from the Tolkien estate.

Best on-screen use of music

We've already taken a look at why musicals aren't all bad, but what about the non-musicals? They're often no slouches in the music department either. But while a soundtrack is one thing, some of them use music in better ways than that. Let's take a look at my favourite onscreen uses of music, shall we?

The Wire (Theme from Shaft)

Possibly the worst cop in the world, if there's anyone in the world that's the opposite of Shaft, it's Herc. Which is why his listening to the Theme from Shaft while trying, and failing, to chase down a hopper amuses me so.

For iPhone/iPad click here.

An honourable Wire mention also goes out here to McNulty trying to take a corner, twice, whilst shitfaced and listening to The Pogues.

Beetlejuice (Day-O, Banana Boat Song)

What better way to prove to your guests that your house is really haunted, than by a possessed rendition of the Banana Boat song?

For iPhone/iPad click here.

Almost Famous (Tiny Dancer)

Nothing brings people together like singing along to your favourite song, even if you've been seething with hatred and are no longer speaking...

For iPhone/iPad click here

American Psycho (Hip To Be Square)

Patrick Bateman schools Paul Allen in music appreciation. With an axe.

For iPhone/iPad click here.

The Big Lebowski (Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In))

After having had his White Russian drugged, the Dude has the best dream sequence in the history of dream sequences.

For iPhone/iPad click here.

High Fidelity (Dry The Rain)

Rob is about to sell 5 copies of The Three EP's by the Beta Band.

For iPhone/iPad click here.

Pretty in Pink (Try A Little Tenderness)

Every girl needs a Ducky in her life. And every girl needs to realise than when you have a Ducky, you do not go after someone called Blaine.

For iPhone/iPad click here.

500 Days of Summer (You Make My Dreams)

Everyone's had that feeling. You've just spent your first night with the object of your affections, and it feels like a marching band should be playing as you walk down the road...This clip makes me ridiculously happy, for some reason.

For iPhone/iPad click here.

Touching the Void (Brown Girl In The Ring)

An astounding film (if you haven't seen it, do it), telling of the incredible survival against all odds of climber Joe Simpson after his disastrous and almost fatal attempt on Siula Grande. A perfect illustration of how inane your own brain can be when you least need it, of all the things you want stuck in your head when you're inching your way painfully down a mountain, it's probably not Boney M.

For iPhone/iPad click here.

Without A Paddle (Bump n Grind)

Incredibly puerile, but I don't care - the first time I saw this I cackled like a loon for about a year, then rewound it and watched it again. And again.

For iPhone/iPad click here.

Well, those were my favourites. What are yours?

Angelmaker

by Nick Harkaway - 5 stars

A deranged little lunatic of a book that deals with the preposterous yet never becomes ridiculous and is, instead, a pure joy from start to finish.

Joe Spork is a quiet, law-abiding clockmaker, just like his grandad, Daniel. He made a promise to his Dad, you see, that he wouldn't grow up to be like his old man - Mathew Spork, King of the London criminal world.

Sadly for Joe, he soon discovers that even if he keeps his head down, lives an honest life and abides by the law, "the law might not abide by him" and he's soon up to his neck in mechanical bees, strange religious orders, a maniacal former dictator, shadowy Government organisations, serial killers and octagenarian superspies. And it might just be time for him to be more like Dad after all.

With a brilliant cast of characters (I particularly loved Polly Cradle and Edie Banister), a wonderful sense of pace that never rushed itself but never dragged, an ability to imbue the humdrum and the downright seedy with a sense of magic, a clever plot and a wonderful way with words, I loved the hell out of this.

I shall be stood in my bedroom mirror later, trying to be more like Polly, and might have to start giving my friends and neighbours gangster nicknames.

The Freebie 5 - Fictional Edition

In case you haven't noticed yet, I love to read. Real life is totally over-rated if you ask me (although I realise you didn't), and given the choice I'd happily shut myself away for months at a time, armed with nothing but my Kindle (and a steady stream of tea, fags and crisps). I've even found myself idly wondering at times if I should commit a crime or get sectioned in order to boost my reading time. 

So it should come as no surprise to find out that I'm also the sort of girl who frequently develops crushes on fictional characters. Fandoms like the Twi-hards show that I'm not alone in this, although I despise that sparkly-titted emotional abuser Edward Cullen, and the only thing I'd like to do to Christian Grey is punch him in the neck. So, who does float my boat? I'm glad you asked...

5. Whirrun of Bligh - The Heroes (Joe Abercrombie)

Whirrun of Bligh is utterly nonchalant, slightly spooky and completely hilarious. A tall, lean and mean-looking maniac wielding The Father of Swords, he's a killer feared by other killers, frequently seen wading into battles shirtless:

"Armour...' mused Whirrun, licking a finger and scrubbing some speck of dirt from the pommel of his sword, 'is part of a state of mind...in which you admit the possibility...of being hit."

See? Total badass. Who also happens to be bloody good fun. Just don't tell him why people call him Cracknut (on account of being, well, cracked):

"They do?' Whirrun frowned. 'Oh, that's less complimentary, the fuckers. I'll have to have words next time I hear that. You've completely bloody spoiled it for me!"

 

4. Zaphod Beeblebrox - Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (Douglas Adams)

 I seem to have a thing for self-obsessed, hedonistic, charismatic and devious gobshites. One-time President of The Universe and apparently "the best Bang since the Big One", the fact that Zaphod has two heads and three arms does nothing to diminish his charm.

He's got an awesome spaceship, the Heart of Gold, and is one hell of a snappy dresser. He's untrustworthy and narcissistic, but he's also the inventor of the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. He has the best name in the history of names, and some of the best lines ever written.

No wonder Trillian ran away with him.

3. Crowley - Good Omens (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman)

Crowley is a fallen angel, though "he didn't so much fall as saunter vaguely downward". Previously known as Crawly, the serpent who hung out in Eden, he now has:

"dark hair, and good cheekbones, and he was wearing snakeskin shoes, or at least presumably he was wearing shoes, and he could do really weird things with his tongue. And, whenever he forgot himself, he had a tendency to hiss."

He has a knack for getting himself into trouble, and out of it, as well as a talent for sarcasm. He's claimed some small victories for Evil in his time (such as phone network failures, and the M25) but he has a surprisingly low tolerance for true evil, especially being one of Hell's minions, even going so far as attempting to avert The Apocalypse with his friend/rival, the angel Aziraphale.

And he does it all while wearing Cool Shades.

2. Prince Hector of Troy - The Iliad (Homer) 

My obsession with Prince Hector (or Hektor, if you prefer) started with Homer, and then got well and truly stoked by David Gemmell with his Troy series. I've even watched the Troy film (starring a 'roided-up Brad Pitt as Achilles and Eric Bana as my beloved Hector) a number of times after convincing myself each time it's on telly that it can't really be the total shitfest that I remember (I always discover rather quickly that I'm wrong).


The only non-asshole on this list, Prince Hector is the ruddy brave and bloody tragic eldest son and heir of King Priam of Troy, a formidable warrior who's a peaceful man. Lacking bloodthirstiness, he's courageous and noble. He cares deeply for his people and family - even his stupid little brother who started the whole bloody war with the Greeks in the first place and now won't face up to the consequences. While Paris skulks about Troy with Helen, Hector faces the combined armies of Greece and her allies, who include the awesomely devious Odysseus and that shit, Achilles. With all sorts of gods also getting involved, the dice are loaded against him and his city, but instead of feeling sorry for himself in the face of certain death, Hector dies like he lives - like a boss.

Every time I read anything of Troy and Hector, I spend all of my time attempting to send death rays to Achilles in the vain hope that somehow things will turn out differently. They never do, and I always weep like a bereaved child when it happens. Eep...

1. Lestat de Lioncourt - The Vampire Chronicles (Anne Rice)

The Brat Prince, and King of Awesome as far as I'm concerned, Lestat comes from the pen and mind of Anne Rice. Thank you, Anne.

The first time I ever came up against Lestat was in Interview With A Vampire, starring Tom Cruise. I have a slightly irrational hatred for Tom Cruise and find him deeply unsexy and so, years later, when Midge told me of her love for Lestat, I thought she was deranged. Until she lent me her books, and I ate a whole lot of humble pie.

We first meet Lestat in the aforementioned Interview... as the sire of our narrator, drippy Louis. Seen through Louis' eyes he's ruthless, seductive, vindictive and selfish, and I spent most of my time when he was off-stage wondering what might be happening to him rather than paying attention to Louis.

Then The Vampire Lestat happened. As the title suggests, this time it's all about him. And it's fabulous. Formerly an impoverished aristocrat in 18th century France with a mane of blond hair, a sensual mouth and a very high opinion of himself (he's a "gorgeous fiend", if he does say so himself. Although I have to agree), Lestat clearly isn't too bad to look at. But that's not what makes him so fantastic.

A far more fascinating and vivacious narrator than Louis, he's also the most wonderfully complex, interesting and infuriating character I think I've ever read. Even his friends seem to hate him as much as they love him. Amongst many, many other things, he's vain, foppish, bold, defiant, philosophical, hedonistic, charismatic, irresponsible, petulant, intelligent, egocentric, petty and dramatic. He's a complete bastard, a total sweetheart, and utterly hilarious.

In short, he's exactly the sort of man who sets my heart a-fluttering and my knickers aflame.


That's my fictional Freebie 5.....who are yours?