4 stars If you're a fan of Parks & Recreation (and if you're not, do yourself a favour and watch it) then you'll find a lot to love in this jaunt through Pawnee in the company of The Author (and my imaginary BFF) Leslie Knope.
Find out about the dodgy history of the home of Sweetums and feral raccoons, the culinary delights of JJ's Diner (don't forget to try the waffles) and the former names of Mouse Rat. Snigger quite a bit through Ron's cabin and April's college diaries. Just don't leave the book on your bathroom floor once you're done - Leslie worked really hard on this, you guys.
There’s something terribly wrong with me – it has just taken me three weeks to finish a Stephen King book. A Stephen King book in which he riffs on one of my favourite genres, no less, giving us his take on the books, films, television and radio shows that populate the world of horror – or the world of horror until the early eighties, at least (when Danse Macabre was written).
Taking a look at common horror tropes and why we find them so deliciously scary, I would have thought that Stephen King would be the perfect person to walk me through this topic. In this I was sadly disappointed.
Part of my problem was entirely my own – December is always a distracted and stressful month for me as I frantically try to reach a thousand deadlines while simultaneously struggling to fit in bouts of panic-buying with the few social obligations I have remaining now that I’m mostly a curmudgeonly hermit, leaving me a scanty few minutes in which to squeeze a bit of reading. King’s chatty, informal style didn’t help me here as the riffs and tangents he’s always been prone to embarking upon led to a rather loose and woolly whole that I struggled to get a firm grip on.
The early eighties cut-off also worked against the book for me, particularly when it came to film. Whilst name-checking a few truly great horror films, King’s taste in horror movie tends to skew heavily towards the schlocky, obviously a bloke-in-a-monster-suit, B (and C and D) movie which he grew up with but that I’ve always struggled to take seriously (I realise this is a bit rich coming from a woman whose own taste skews heavily towards that starring Bruce Campbell, but hey ho) and I couldn’t help but spend most of that time wondering what he’d make of the movies made since – and particularly the influencing of Hollywood by the truly spine-tingling terror of Japanese horror films (like the utterly brilliant and terrifying Audition, which I once made my Boxing Day guests sit through, much to their cushion-grabbing dismay), although I did also clock his disapproval of Kubrick’s version of The Shining (which may not be as true to the book as King’s own highly unnecessary TV adaptation, but is easily several thousand times better) and so it’s highly possible that he wouldn’t think much of it at all.
At its best when considering why we read/watch horror (for me, it’s the only genre that really gives my imagination a proper work out in a reality that’s rather mundane and routine where I often have to act counter to my instincts, and it gives my brain the same jolt of life that my body gets while hurtling towards the ground on a roller-coaster) but I think that the very thing King professes inside to wanting to avoid - the pinning down and dissecting of what makes it work – was probably the very thing I was after with Danse Macabre, and missed getting.
We all have those days where we fantasize about the looks on our colleagues faces as we spectacularly end our careers (or is that just me?), whether through a satisfyingly scathing resignation or behaviour so appalling you need to be frogmarched from the building. So, for those of us who'd love to do so but are unable thanks to a need to eat occasionally, I give you my favourite on-screen career enders. Role Models It would be bad enough having to consume enough energy drinks to turn your pee green, without then having to go and talk to kids about how your drink is way better than drugs. But having to do it on the same day as being dumped is just asking to be unemployed.
Some people have no taste. When it's your boss, you may have to find yourself pretending you share those shitty tastes. At least until you don't want to work there anymore.
The only thing more satisfying than punching the prick who's made your work-life hell, is knowing that he's also your father-in-law (unembeddable so click pic).
Breaking Bad
Sometimes it takes finding out you've got cancer to inspire the best insults.
Or you could do the above, but with added violence and reputation ruining. This clip is edited, unfortunately, so you're just going to have to watch Fight Club again to see it in full.
Your school days are apparently supposed to be some of the best of your lives. I can’t quite see that myself, as I wasn’t legally able to buy alcohol and cigarettes then, but if I’d gone to any one of these screen schools instead I might have felt differently.
Harley High (Heartbreak High)
One word: Rivers.
Liberty High School (My So Called Life)
When I was fifteen I’d have wanted to go to Liberty High because of Jordan Catalano. Now I want to go so that I can give Angela a good shake and tell her to go out with that nice Brian Krakow boy instead, and then hug Ricky.
Whilst I sincerely doubt that I’d have been allowed to join the Pink Ladies, who wouldn’t want to go to a school where everyone wears 50s clothes and is forever bursting into song? (Except for NikNak, that is)
Aside from driving around listening to great music, I could also tell Wooderson that he really needs to stop hanging out with high school kids before he gets put on some sort of register.
OK, so the likelihood is pretty high that if I hadn’t already been one of the random bodies stuffed into the school lockers, I’d have definitely been eaten by the giant Mayor-Snake that ruined Graduation. But at least I’d have never had to go out and work. Also: Great library (just don’t speak Latin in front of the books).
West or East Dillon High (Friday Night Lights)
This may come as a surprise as I am virtually allergic to all forms of sport, but everyone needs a Coach & Mrs Taylor in their life. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose!
McKinley High (Freaks and Geeks)
There’s quite a lot of things I’d like to do at McKinley High School - take P.E. with Biff Tannen, try not to smirk through a guidance session with Mr Rosso, listen to Nick talk about his 29-piece drum set and watch Kim Kelley’s latest smackdown while praying she doesn’t pick on me next. But, most of all, I want to hang out with Bill.
Not only is there a chance you’ll run into Bill Murray (although you’ll also bump into his awful twins), I also want to take every one of those extra-curricular activities (especially calligraphy) and I really, really want to be in that play.
San Dimas High School (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure)
Why San Dimas? Firstly, because everyone knows San Dimas High School football rules. Secondly, because my teenage self would (and did) have a massive crush on Ted ‘Theodore’ Logan. Thirdly, because hanging out at the K-mart might have meant I’d meet George Carlin. And lastly, because who wouldn’t want to sit through that history report?
Shermer High School (The Breakfast Club)
While Shermer High does feature twin horrors in the form of Saturday detentions and a headteacher that dresses like Barry Manilow, I could have spent my weeks slunking around and worshipping John Bender from afar.
For those of you wondering where Neptune is, despite the attendance of Veronica Mars it was disqualified on the grounds of being mostly filled with giant asswipes. What else did I miss?
Reading a recent Guardian piece on animal companions in kid's literature, I
couldn't help but get pointlessly annoyed at the inclusion of Bartimaeus - an admittedly awesome djinni who however doesn't really ever even so much as take on an animal form.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, it did make me start to wonder who my own favourite
animal companions were, whether they be found in books, on telly or on the big
screen. And so, without any further ado....
Muttley - Wacky Races
Animal companion to one Dick Dastardly and also an ace pilot, Muttley is easily the more intelligent of the two. He also has all the best catchphrases, and one of the world's best laughs.
While not strictly an animal but Lyra Belacqua's daemon, Pan at least spends his time flitting between animal forms with his favourites being an ermine, a wildcat, and a mouse. The physical manifestation of her soul, Pan acts as the level-headed, cautious voice of reason for the passionate and reckless Lyra.
Nanook - The Lost Boys
As well as being the best looking dog to have ever graced the cinema screen, Nanook will also save you from vampiric siblings.
A Hellhound acting as the Antichrist's protector and companion, Dog started put as a large and ferocious beast. But Adam, swapped at birth and unaware of his origins, wishes for "one of those dogs that’s brilliantly intelligent and can go down rabbit holes and has one funny ear that always looks inside out" and so Dog soon becomes a small, fun mongrel, along with appropriate attitude adjustment.
Rothko - My Wrongs
Things can go very, very wrong when you're with a dog that thinks it's your lawyer. This one is probably the animal companion most likely to see you get jailed.
Is our pint-sized PI going to take back-up with her? Of course she is, look at that face! Veronica's wingman on more than one investigation, Backup can inspire caution in even the biggest criminals.
Mouse - Dresden Files
Mouse is a Temple Dog with apparently divine origins. Having entered the life of one Harry Dresden in Blood Rites and deciding to stay, any who recognise Mouse for what he is are usually astounded that he chooses to hang out with Dresden. A huge beast of a dog with incredible intelligence - to the point of fully understanding human speech and battle plans - who emits a faint blue nimbus in battle, possesses supernatural speed and healing and a bark you wouldn't believe, no-one messes with Harry if Mouse has got anything to do with it.
Nighteyes - Robin Hobb's Assassin series
Thanks to the Wit, Robin Hobb's awesome Assassin books starring Fitzchivalry Farseer are also home to some of the best animal companions around. One of the series' main strengths was, to me, how Hobb gave each of the animals distinct personalities and voices. This was particularly true for Nighteyes, the wonderfully sarcastic and pragmatic wolf with whom Fitz shares a bond and who, it turned out, was also capable of completely shredding me emotionally:
"Wait for you? Not likely. I've always had to run ahead of you and show you the way." (Fool's Errand)
Meep.
Ghost the Fox - Grizzly Man
Some of the loveliest moments in Werner Herzog's incredible Grizzly Man come when Timothy Treadwell is hanging out with Ghost, the playful fox. It should be noted here however that, no matter how awesome they are, bears are NOT companions.
When I first drew up this list it was going to include Ghost, Jon Snow's albino dire-wolf, but then I remembered that when the choices include dragons, all other answers are wrong.
There are three of Danaerys' 'children' to choose from, but my favourite has to be the fantastically lairy Drogon, the largest and most aggressive of the three. He's already saved Dany in the Houses of the Undying and roasted a slave-master, but if the series is staying faithful to the books then he's about to become even more of a handful.
Everyone knows that monkeys are by far and away the very best animal there
is. Make him a capuchin with a penchant for copulating with your friends
belongings and refusing to listen to anything but his favourite song, and you've
just hit the animal companion jackpot.
A long distance catch-up with Midge and a short visit with Rerab this afternoon got me thinking. There are a few things I miss these days, including: The sun... It's been so long since I saw the sun that if it chose to appear in the sky now I'd probably turn into a medieval villager and start screaming about the fiery ball of doom about to consume us all.
...and not being wet I'm not kidding when I say I have spent the last three months in the wet, howling dark. With the rain coming sideways most days, the short walk to work usually sees me arrive looking like I've just stepped, fully clothed, out of the shower.
Reading at lunch Once upon a time, when I worked with Midge, every lunch saw me getting a solid half hour of Kindle time. My new working life stole that lunch break entirely for a stretch, but being in (another) new team has meant taking lunch breaks once more. Sadly, my Kindle hasn't yet made it out of my bag as people insist on talking to me instead.
Knowing who pop stars are, and them being any good Most of my brushes with popular music these days consist of me asking "What's a Macklemore?" or "so, people actually buy this shit?" To my ears, all pop now sounds like this (and thanks to Is for sharing):
My telly choices Luckily, NikNak and I share similar tastes in film and telly and therefore avoid a lot of arguing over the TV remote. However, there are a few things I like that NikNak wouldn't be caught dead watching. Reality TV, heavy literary adaptations, historical dramas and films that feature a lot of dancing are all things which must wait until he's either asleep or out of the house. But the fact that he's a super-sensitive sleeper who seems to instinctively know that you've changed the channel, and that I'm either asleep or at work when he's out of the house, means that I must simply accept that I will never get to watch Channing Tatum dance again. Sniff!
Films that don't make me fall asleep I've always been something of a film buff and times gone by saw me often in the cinema, buying at least a few DVD's a month, and able to reel off a ton of new releases I was looking forward to. It's been a pretty pants few years for films, and even the ones I've got around to watching have put me to sleep within a few minutes. The Lone Ranger prompted an instant coma, Carrie wasn't a patch on the original, Star Trek: Into Darkness lacked all of the charm that made its predecessor such fun, and American Hustle was so boring that I started watching Christian Bale's comb-over rather than caring about anything happening. Thank the gods, then, for The Wolf of Wall Street and Leonardo DiCaprio's hilarious turn that managed to make me forget that I think he's a douchebag most of the time.
Being able to play computer games NikNak and I spend a lot of time playing computer games but, over the years, the games we play have started to change. Games have evolved a lot since I first picked up a controller, becoming bigger and more complex with each release. Unfortunately, my skills have not evolved with them, and my attempts at playing Assassin's Creed saw me showing off my falling off roof skills while my tendency to accidentally steal from crowds of people meant I spent a lot of time running away from enraged mobs.
Halo wasn't any better, after I somehow jammed myself into a corner under enemy fire and couldn't get back out again, and even Little Big Planet was too hard. From now on I'm sticking with the Lego games, which are far more my style (although I still get stuck a lot). Liking Johnny Depp
Johnny Depp used to be the coolest man on the planet. Never apparently one to actively court fame, instead of going for the money he could usually be found starring in great little indies while keeping his private life mostly private (apart from the odd bout of hotel room trashing). Captain Jack clearly did something irrevocable to him, as he can now be found starring in the latest Disney shitshows which have clearly had more money than thought flung at them, had an awful mid-life crisis hairdo and picked up the young blonde to match, while having his PR feed "Isn't Amber great?" pieces to the tabloids at least once a week. Still, at least he seems to have stopped with the scarves.....for now.
Hating Bieber Let me start this by saying that I have never knowingly heard a Justin Bieber song. And up until recently, I didn't really think much of the kid at all, other than that he seemed to have more money than was good for him and no-one telling him no. I still think that's the case, and I'm still going to avoid hearing his music for as long as is humanly possible, but in an age where most celebrities are busy protecting the brand and hiding any signs of their true personalities, I'm starting to be grateful for at least one celebrity who is good for gossip and who seems set to give us plenty more chuffed looking mugshots in 2014.
Believing that I'd get to the end of A Game of Thrones before the show does I first started reading the Song of Ice and Fire series back in 2010. I was late to the party too - many had been reading since A Game of Thrones was first published back in 1996. Eighteen years later, we're still waiting for the last two books (and the last entry, A Dance With Dragons, was published six years after its predecessor).
I used to worry that George RR Martin would pull a Robert Jordan before the series end. Now I'm worried that the show will get to the end long before the books do.
Well, I think we can all agree on one thing - 2013 was definitely a year. The jury is still out on whether it was a good one, a bad one, or a mix of the two. As for my year, it's most definitely been a mix. I started the year recovering from a bit of a breakdown before going back to work, where things went from bad to worse when Midge left me for other pastures. I started this blog, went to visit some wolves, and finally did a festival with Rerab. I read 84 books, met Neil Gaiman, and lost my shit when he 'liked' my review of his book, The Ocean At The End of The Lane.
I lost a grandmother, a great-auntie, a few heroes, and my beloved cat, Eric. I saw just how strong and inspiring my family can be when faced with awfulness, as well as finding out that other members don't really do that unconditional love thing. My gorgeous niece went to big school, and my scrumptious nephew developed an obsession with Ghostbusters (an obsession I wholeheartedly endorse), while I developed two brand new obsessions of my own in Thomas Cromwell and Mads Mikkelsen.
I'm ending the year harbouring a cold (those flu jabs I get each year are staggeringly effective) but surrounded by fantastic presents and looking forward to an imminent visit from one of my favourite people who I don't see enough of. But most importantly, I'm also ending it with a list (beware spoilers!): Best Film NikNak would like Gravity to get the nod here but, as I haven't yet watched it due to being wigged out by the very idea of drifting in space, my vote goes to Alpha Papa - Alan Partridge's glorious turn on the big screen that actually managed to make me forget to hate being in Vue for an evening.
Giant robots fighting huge gaijin should have been fantastic, especially as Idris Elba was also in it, but sadly Pacific Rim turned out to be 132 minutes of who cares?
Well, a shock to anyone who hadn't read the books, at least, what was most shocking to me was that I'd somehow managed to keep my mouth shut about The Red Wedding for the last few seasons of A Game Of Thrones. But even knowing what was to come, I still got goosebumps when the Lannisters sent their regards...
Most Gorgeous TV Show
No contest here, it has to be Hannibal. And not just because of Mads...Whether it's the splendid suits, those incredible cooking scenes, the creepy crime scenes, or inside Will Graham's head, every inch of the screen is utterly beautiful.
Best Use of Office Equipment
Hannibal's twin Rolodexes easily win this one - one for the people...
...and the other for the recipes.
Scariest TV Chef Managing to edge out Hannibal, Masterchef's Monica Galetti is seriously scary. She's also seriously awesome and I suspect, in NikNak's case at least, a little bit sexy-scary.
Newest Member of the Mothering Club Mainlining all 5 seasons of Breaking Bad this year soon saw Jesse Pinkman join the Mothering Club, comprising folk who all want looking after (by me), such as The Wire's Bubbles, Friday Night Lights' Landry, Oz's Alvarez and Stand By Me's Chris.
Most Hated TV Character
Also given to me by my viewing of Breaking Bad was my all-consuming, impassioned hatred of 2013's leading TV character, Walter White. It started somewhere around Season 2 and continued unabated throughout the rest of the series, punctuated by frequent expletive-laden rants at my TV. I spent most of my time hoping Skylar would wait until Walt went to sleep and then stab him in the fucking neck.
Weird Crush of the Year
Quite what is it about this murderer with half a face that gives me the warm and fuzzies is still unclear, but Boardwalk Empire's Richard Harrow easily wins this category.
Best Use of Music
American Horror Story: Asylum nearly won this for the awful French nun song that was played constantly in the Common Room. In the end it was pipped to the post by itself, when the incomparable Jessica Lange (previously the vicious nun in charge of the place) suffers a break and hallucinates this brilliant musical number (with apologies for shoddy quality):
Biggest Waste of Clancy Brown Sleepy Hollow got me all excited when it started this year when Clancy Brown's name appeared in the credits. Sadly, my excitement was to be short-lived, as he lost his head before the first ad break.
Question I was asked most this year, to which the answer was always no Are you watching Homeland? Well, those were my screen highlights from 2013. What were yours?
Whenever I’m drunk, I soon come to the conclusion that I am the world’s greatest dancer. It doesn’t matter that this isn’t backed up by anything like actual video evidence (au contraire, mon frère!), in my head I look awesome.
But there’s something that would make it even more awesome – a partner. One that not only isn’t embarrassed when you hit the dancefloor, but who makes you look nailed to the floor. Here are my picks of fantasy dance partners (that Youtube will allow me to find clips of).
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